This Mama's Life

Goodness what a busy year.

2012-01-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

The above picture is of all three of my beautiful babies. Aren't they amazing? We are all doing really well now. Jonny has settled in and become a part of our family, Cadence and Andy have adjusted wonderfully to having him around. Kyle and I are finally getting back to the way our marriage was before my pregnancy with Jonathan. All in all, we are good.

Cadence is 7 now and she is fairly certain she has this world dialed. I swear this kid is going on 16 already, I am so terrified for those years. I know I have said that before, but its still true. She is getting along really well at school, she has lots of friends and enjoys the work so much. She is the best reader in her class (I know based on test scores her teacher showed me) and she freaks us out with how much she knows. Science is still her favorite and she is always bugging me to come up with new stuff to learn or look at. Thank goodness for the internet. Her favorite thing to watch on TV is still Mythbusters. I am logging in her first official crush as Adam Savage. She blushes and gets all silly when you ask her about him. Its beyond adorable. Speaking of adorable, she is missing her two front teeth. I can't believe we have hit that point in her life. Where did my little girl go?

Andy is 4 1/2 progressing in ways we were not sure he ever would. When he was first diagnosed with Autism we had a lot of fears, but he is putting a lot of those to rest. Language and communication were his big delays, but he is doing so well now. You can almost have a conversation with him. The drawback is he LOVES to vocal stim. He is almost always making some sort of noise. They are usually very repetitive. It can get a bit annoying, so I try to keep in mind how little he used to say and do. It works well. He is as adorable as ever. Those big blue eyes and deep dimples, depending on his progress he could become quite the lady's man.

Jonny is 4 months old and just the best baby. Adorably cute, he babbles all the time, smiles a lot, and sleeps through the night. I couldn't ask for a better baby. He is very strong, he can sit up by himself for a bit, stand for a couple of seconds, and he pulls everything into his mouth because he is already teething. He has his 4 month check up tomorrow, and I am so curious to see what the doctor has to say. Last time at his 2 month check up, she clocked him in developmentally at 4 months. So we'll see...

Kyle is working at the same job he has been at for 5 years now. He really enjoys his work and workplace. They treat him really well and he has an amazingly supportive boss. I know long term he would like to go to nursing school and become a nurse, but it would be so hard to leave his current situation. So for now he is staying put. He still loves his video games (and I still weirdly love to watch him play video games) and takes up the slack whenever I need him too. He is the best husband a woman could ask for. I get foot and back rubs whenever I need them, and he is so very good with the kids. They love their daddy to death. So do I.

I am hoping to start working soon so we can move into a bigger place. School has been put onto the back burner again due to financial aid issues (evidently a GPA from more than 10 years ago is dragging my whole average down even though my most recent one was 3.8, oy vey). So I'll work on getting that going again soon. I just don't even know what I want to do or what direction I want to move in. I should probably figure that out before I waste lots of money on classes. Sociology still seems interesting, but I also really enjoyed my history class. I may have to do some more studying on my own to sort this out.

I am contemplating writing again, just for myself. I know my poetry can be pretty cheesy, but I like putting thoughts on paper in that way. I took up crocheting and I am learning how to do that. I completed some projects, including a couple of hats for Jonny. I just need to do more stuff for myself so I don't get lost in being a mom. Being a mom is great and it is the most important thing I have ever and will ever do, but I want to be a whole person who can continue moving forward once the kids are grown. I don't want to die of Empty Nest Syndrome.

So that is how life is around the Foutz House. Good and getting better. We are very lucky and extremely grateful.

Baby Jonny

2011-09-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

Jonathan Kyle Foutz
Born on August 23, 2011 at 2:50pm
7 lbs, 15oz; 21 3/4" long

Letter to my Tenant

2011-05-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Tenant,
Your lease is up soon and legally I have no recourse but to wait it out. But do you think that you could calm down the acrobatics for ONE night so I can sleep uninterrupted? I'd really appreciate any effort that would be made on your part to not make me sleep deprived BEFORE you terminate residence this August. Please, just tone it down a bit. Thank you.
Your Landlord,
Mom.

2011-03-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

Approximately 19 weeks along and feeling it. :)

So much to do, so little time...

2011-03-24T09:50:00.000-07:00

OK, I know that once again it has been way too long since I have updated my blog. Sorry about that. So here goes...

Let's start with Cadence:
She has a love/hate relationship with school. She loves the work, loves her teacher, loves everything she is learning. She HATES dealing with the other kids. She comes home everyday stressed out and cranky because she just doesn't understand the other kids at school. If you know Cadence at all, you know that she is a very logical, rigid child. She is not like other kids where they have flights of fancy and crazy imagination. If she is playing with a stuffed cow, that is all it is, a stuffed cow. She can't even pretend that it is a real cow. While I take pride in her love of science and her logical, straightforward view of the world, it seems to be hindering her social interactions. She does have a couple friends, and in general her classmates seem to like her, but she is just at a loss as for why they all do what they do. We have been talking about meeting with her teacher and the school psychologist to get her evaluated for help. I think we'll be moving forward with that next week.
Other than that problem, she is blossoming. My tall, blond, and thin little girl has only her blue eyes (and maybe a couple of expressions) in common with her mama. She is gorgeous, smart, funny, and kind. She is very much looking forward to the arrival of the new baby and getting to help with that. She is really hoping for a girl. "I already have a brother..." is her reason.

Next up, Andy:
Andy is making us so proud! My little parrot is talking up a storm these days! Most of it is his echolalia. But he is communicating so much more. He can express his desire for drinks, food, sleep, a diaper change, a certain person, or to be left alone. "Cadence, weef awone!", "Cadence, knock it off!", or "Cadence, shut up!" (or insert Mama, Daddy, etc...) are amongst his most popular phrases right now. We aren't thrilled with the "shut up" one, but I guess beggars can't be choosers. He is becoming less and less my cuddly little baby and becoming more and more a rugged little boy. He climbs, throws, kicks, wrestles, gets in fights, all that being a boy entails. We have put off working on the potty training, mainly because we've had to put his In-Home ABA therapy on hold. I'll get to why later.
He loves school, his favorite classmate is a little girl named Athena. He says "Good Morning Athena!" everyday when he sees her and holds her hand as they walk back to their classroom with their teachers. He is just doing so good, even with the break in therapy, that we could not be more thrilled. He has no idea that his stability will be all thrown off come August, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Kyle's turn!
Our steady and stable rock is as amazing as ever. He has picked up so much slack for me it is ridiculous. Always ready to fetch me a snack, or rub my feet, he is an incredible husband. Taking care of bath and bedtime, helping with homework, or even just entertaining the kids, his capabilities as a father are wonderful. I have no doubt that he will be just as awesome with this next one. He is very much looking forward to our second ultrasound coming up next week and to being able to feel the baby move once its big enough to start doing some real damage inside me.

Our house...
Our landlords (aka Kyle's extended family) have been amazing is getting our place fixed up. Let me start at the beginning. Sometime at the end of December, after some pretty bad rains, the new company that bought the lot next door started demo on the structures there. This resulted in some pretty severe shaking and rumbling of our house. As I was getting out of bed one morning, I looked up and saw a HUGE crack in our ceiling. I showed Kyle, we both got scared, and he contacted his uncle immediately. Well, the maintenance guys came out, took a look around and discover several big holes throughout our roof. So, the roof needed to be done and then they would fix the crack. While the roof was being fixed (we are a week or 2 into January at this point) the ceiling in the bedroom finally gave way. They patched it with a board, and kept working on the roof. The roof was in BAD shape. It need to re-framed before being redone. Lots of work that took a few weeks, because it rained throughout. Anyway, at some point in there, some the of the plaster of the ceiling in the living room came down. So, they came in to look at that, and that is when it was discovered that a whole lot of the ceiling and several parts of the walls in the house needed serious repair. Then came the bathroom. We got an entirely new shower and bathroom window! So that took another week. Then came the replacement of several windows... Fast forward to now... After much repair, patching, sanding, they are now painting. Everything is primed and next week they will come back, paint, and we'll be done! It has been a long, sometimes frustrating process but we could not be more appreciative. Our house is looking so nice, I have windows I can open without bugs getting in (we had old windows without screens before) and a ceiling I know I do not have to be afraid of. I am really, very happy with all of this.
All of this work is why we have had Andy's therapy on hold. Because of scheduling and other clients, transferring therapy sessions from El Monte to Glendora (where my parents live and we have been spending our days) was next to impossible. So we put services on hold until our house was done. After next week, we will resume as normal.

Now my turn...
This pregnancy has held a lot of surprises for me. I was really sick for the first trimester, lost weight, was super tired, all standard fare for me. However, I was not prepared for the loss of my social life. Without getting into too many personal details, I am without my best friend for this time and it has been quite the trial for me. I have had many long crying sessions, lots of talks with Kyle, and pretty much came to the conclusion that perhaps my expectations of friendship are a bit outside the realm of reality. While that doesn't excuse what has happened, it does make me realize my own part of the situation and is allowing me some personal growth. I guess we all have to let go of this teenage idea of friendship where your best friend is a huge part of your world. Time for me to grow up in that respect.
Aside from having little to no social life, I am surprised now by how good I feel physically. At least I did, until yesterday when I started having some muscle pain in the abdominal area. I think baby is growing and its time for what little muscle I have to give way. Always an uncomfortable process, but its good because it tells me everything is on track.
I am thrilled and excited about this child. I am also nervous and frightened. There is the chance we could end up with another Autistic child, however I am doing everything in my power to make healthy choices and I am a firm believer in that I can handle anything that comes my way. It also helps that we have an amazing support system of family, friends, and caseworkers to keep an eye on us.

Ok, so its been another one of my novel-length posts. Sorry. I know I should update more often, but its hard to do when I am sleeping :P

Big news....

2011-01-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

Right now I am sitting in a vibrating house that is super noisy because evidently the economy has picked up enough for construction to resume in the lot next to our houses. I don't like this because the vibrations make me queasy (which I don't need help with right now) and the noise makes it impossible to nap. Why don't I need help with being queasy and why do I need naps? Well, if you haven't figured it out already, we're pregnant! Yes, after an almost year long journey full of heartache and pain, we are expecting again.
I had my first appointment with my midwife today and it was awesome. I really love that place. I am measuring right on target, 8 weeks and 1 day. Past our personal danger zone. As always, things are still uneasy until 12 weeks or so, but I am too over joyed to have gotten to this point to hold it in any longer.
Our birth plan is a natural one, no drugs or interventions in hospital with our midwife. We will not be finding out the baby's gender either. Gonna rock it old school this time. As for how things are right now, I am sick. So very, very sick. This is a good sign though, women who experience "morning sickness" (try all-day sickness for me) are far less likely to miscarry. So yeah, here we go...fingers crossed!

Losing hope

2010-11-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

So I am coming really close to giving up on the idea of a third baby. I started my period again today. I think this makes month 4 or 5 of failure to conceive. To make matters worse, tomorrow (besides being an awesome sister-in-law's birthday, Happy B-day Kellyann) would have been my due date with the first miscarriage. It kills me to know that I should be preparing for a birth and instead I am desperately trying to keep it together. I wish I could shut off the desire for another child. Its so strange how you can go from being completely content with the idea of being done having children, enjoying a full and happy life like I was about a year and a half ago to where I am now. I know I can't go back, so I really need to figure out how to move forward and focus on other things. And its not that I don't. My two beautiful kids keep me busy, my family and friends do a great job of supporting me and being there for me. Its just that there is now a void, a very specific one, that nothing else can fill. Except maybe time. I know if it never happens, the desire will fade and life will go on. I guess I need to just wait for the time when I either get pregnant or accept the fact that I can't anymore. And both of those could take a long time to get to.

Long, long, long overdue.

2010-10-07T15:32:00.001-07:00

Goodness its been forever since I posted. I have been asked by a few people to update on our family, and I have been just plain lazy about it. So let me update by person for you.

Cadence
This girl loves school! She was so ready to start. She will tell me all about every person in her class, who got their name on the board, what her teachers said, what the project was, and what they played at recess EVERY DAY when I pick her up. She loves learning, and is very much enjoying the socializing. What a kid. I assume that she is very close to running the class. I am a little scared at what parent/teacher conferences hold for us.
She is getting taller and more confident in her body. She tends to be a pretty clumsy kid, but that is becoming less and less the case. We recently cut off about 6 inches of her hair (which is a LOT of length when you are only 4 feet tall). She loves her new "short" haircut. We however, are just amazed at how grown up she is looking these days. She has always been a very articulate child, but lately she has taken to making up jokes. The latest? "Why does the moon run away from the clouds? Because the clouds rain and the moon does nothing." Then she will laugh her head off like she is a crazy person. My baby girl is growing up, she will be 6 in December. Where the heck has time gone?

Andy
My baby. This kid does not let Autism get in the way of enjoying life. He is constantly smiling. He has the best dimples you will ever see. We are truly lucky. His behavior problems are so small compared to what the possibilities are.
That isn't to say that he doesn't have his bad days. Days where nothing makes him happy, he screams and cries and can't get a word out. But those are few and far between. He is learning more and more all the time. His vocabulary is growing and he regularly greets people with a "Hi-ya!' He knows Cadence's name, he calls me Mommy and Kyle, Daddy. He says Grandma and Grandpa (although he likes to tease Grandma by calling her Grandpa). He sings songs and dances, and loves to play little games. He loves being tickled and has a laugh that can fill your heart.
His teachers love him and enjoy working with him. They love his ability to copy the songs and dances that they do. Soon, he will start back up with ABA therapy everyday after school. We will have a very full schedule on our hands. But it will be good for him.

Kyle
He is our rock. He goes to work everyday without complaint, works hard, and brings home the bacon as they say. He takes over every night and is in charge of bathtime and bedtime routine. He is such a good father and we couldn't do anything without him. He has hopes of going back to school again, only this time for nursing. We don't have any idea of when he would start back, but hopefully not too much longer.

Me
My life pretty much revolves around everyone else right now. I am not in school at the moment, though I hope to start back soon. We are trying to conceive, but we have no idea if or when it will happen. I honestly don't hold out much hope. I am consumed with fear that we are done and that the decision about future children has been made for us. I always thought that if this ever happened to me, that I would just be grateful for the children I was able to have without any problems. Well, that is certainly there, but there is a part of me that is incredible sad and scared.
I don't really know what my future holds. I know that caring for my daughter and son is part of it. I know that being a good wife and partner is part of it. But beyond that, I don't know. I have spent this year adrift in a sea of uncertainty, and it has cost me a lot. The biggest cost has been my sense of self. I feel very unsure of who I am anymore. I feel very much like I did when I was a teenager. I lacked confidence, courage, knowledge, and endurance. I wish I could go back to last year, when everything was good, I was full of hope, and life was full of possibilities.
I don't want everyone to think I spend my days feeling sorry for myself though. 90% of the time, I am a happy person, enjoying what my life does give me and watching my family progress. Its the quiet moments before sleep sets in, after Kyle and I have finished talking over the day, that I have time to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Or the time in the morning while the kids are at school and I am not cleaning, making cookies, or watching some delicious BBC miniseries production of a classic novel that I can ponder what I am lacking.
I've made so may mistakes this year, in the wake of the miscarriages that I have just been trying to correct all the dumb things I did. I don't think its possible to fix everything, so I have been concentrating on myself. And its getting better. I am getting better.

Ok, so I have droned 0n enough about myself. Good thing this is text, because I would be sick of my own voice right now otherwise. So I guess the most important thing is that right now, we are all moving forward in some way and loving each other.

Back on track

2010-06-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

So I am a very open person. I tell complete strangers about all the gruesome details regarding the birth of my children. Obviously, if you are here, you know I will talk about anything and everything. So here is the good news: I am on my period! First normal period since February. I am very pleased.
I met with my midwife last week, her plan is to wait 3 months before trying again. In the meantime, I am supposed to take 1 prenatal vitamin, 1 extra milligram of Folic Acid, and 1 Fish Oil vitamin (they contain Omega 3s and DHAs) everyday to help get my system nice and strong for the next attempt.
She has no idea why I miscarried twice in 3 months, but she is confident that with good preparation we can get another healthy baby. This pleases me immensely. Happy Donna is happy.

On the emotional side, I am doing much better. Every now and then I get a little teary, I also notice I get frustrated more easily than before, but that could just be my hormones still adjusting to life without the roller coaster. Everyday that passes has me feeling more and more like my usual self.
So for over dramatization's sake, I have faced my demons and come out victorious. At least so far :) Life is currently good.

I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who helped get us through this trying time. You know who you are, we love you all so much. <3

Hope and Devastation, all in one week.

2010-05-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

What an interesting and bizarre week this has been. Over the weekend of the 15th, I discovered that my cycle being off was due to the fact that I was pregnant again. We were very unsure, extremely hesitant, and knocked clean on our behinds. Well, this time I set to work. Tuesday, I went and got a pregnancy verification from Planned Parenthood and faxed it over to my case worker at Medi-Cal. Then I miraculously found a midwife in Whittier that takes Medi-Cal and will do a hospital birth (since Medi-Cal won't cover the birth center or home birth). I did the consultation and fell in love with the place. I called the next day to make my first appointment for once my Medi-Cal went through.

Kyle and I decided that in preparation for me getting larger and more uncomfortable (since I was already extremely uncomfortable) that we would take the kids to Disneyland on Sunday, May 23rd. We figured we would see how Andy dealt with it since it had been about a year since the last time we took him.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling really crappy, more so than usual. However, by 1 pm I was feeling well enough to power through and do our D-land trip. So down there we drove. The first trouble we encountered was getting on the tram. Andy absolutely hated it, and he kept kicking me in the lower abdomen.

Well, as we were getting off the tram, I stood up and felt instant intense pain in my lower abdomen, my upper back, and my head. I got very dizzy, couldn't see, and felt like I was going to throw up and pass out. I was convinced if I could make it to the bathroom, I would be fine. So leaving Kyle and Andy at the stroller, Cadence and I made our way precariously across the World of Disney store to their bathroom. I say precariously, because I could barely see, I felt so dizzy and faint, I thought for sure I was gonna pass out in the middle of the store. I have no idea why I decided Cadence should come with me, but now I was really worried about how seeing me like this would effect her. We made it to the bathroom, went in and accomplished nothing. I did not feel better. As we came out, I collapsed to the floor right in front of the women's restroom. I was still awake, but I could not stand up and I was in INTENSE pain. I managed to call Kyle and direct him to where we were just as someone asked if I needed help. "YES" was my response. "I am pregnant and my stomach hurts a lot and I feel really sick and dizzy." They got the nurse and called an ambulance. The nurse got there first and attempted to take my blood pressure. She couldn't get one, it took three tries before they got a very low BP with a very faint pulse. I was in bad shape. Meanwhile, Disney employees and Kyle were doing everything they could to keep the kids occupied and unafraid of what was happening. Also my sister arrived (we were meeting her and my nephew at the park that day) and she took the kids so Kyle could go with me. The EMTs got there during this time and assessed me and got me on a stretcher. Off I went to the ambulance waiting for me "backstage". I've never ridden in an ambulance, it was a very surreal experience.

Once in the ER, they figured out that my BP was dangerously low, I was severely dehydrated, and really not doing well. But we had no reason why yet. They hooked me up to all sorts of stuff, including oxygen, and I got stuck a bunch of times as they searched for a vein that would allow them IV access. (I got stuck twice in the bus and then 4 more times in the ER before they finally found a vein that would work). However, because my BP was so low, they had little success getting blood out of my IV, it would have to be drawn directly. So in comes someone else to stick me some more. She tried 3 times I believe before settling on a small collection from a diabetic prick to my finger tip. All that went off for testing.

My BP was so low, mind you that I was freezing in the ER. I had 6 blankets on me and I kept shivering. I could not warm up to save my life. Hours go by, they are gonna do an ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy. I am scared, because if it ectopic, I lose the tube and I only have the one. So there goes any chance of more kids.

Luckily, the ultrasound showed no ectopic, only a healthy looking fetus inside my uterus where it belongs, clocking in at 7 weeks 6 days with good fetal heart tones. We were thrilled and relieved. After that they tested my urine (yes, this should have been done first, but I was so dehydrated that they had to wait for my IV fluids to cycle through some for a sample) and it turns on that my white cell count in my blood work and my urine was through the roof. I had a severe Urinary Tract Infection going all the way up into my kidneys. Hence the very intense pain. Some antibiotics and lots of fluids later, with a prescription for more antibiotics, we left the ER.

During my stay, my wonderful sister had picked up Kyle from the hospital and taken him back to D-land to pick up our car, and thank goodness or we would have been stranded. We decided that because part of my instructions were to be on bed rest for a couple of days while I recuperated, it would be best if the kids and I stayed at my parents' house. They were already there sleeping, so we just needed to stop by our house and pick up some stuff for me, then hit up a 24 hour pharmacy before heading to my parents'.

All that done, I got to my parents' house and headed straight for the bathroom. Once there I discovered, much to my horror and despair, that I was hemorrhaging heavily. Between my family, Kyle and myself, we decided it was best to wait out the night before heading back to the ER. I really just wanted to rest. So Kyle decided to head home to get some sleep and I laid down on the couch to watch some TV and veg out.

About an hour later, I went back to the bathroom and that is when I lost the baby. I miscarried right then and there. I want to describe everything I was feeling, but I can't unless I tell you exactly what happened. Now, I am about to get graphic in detail. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, AT ALL, PLEASE STOP READING. THIS WILL GROSS YOU OUT. ONLY READ FORWARD IF YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH OR ARE SCIENCE MINDED!!!! OK, proceed at your own risk, I take no responsibility for the reaction you are about to have.

When I say I lost the baby, here is how I know. I felt something come out as I was sitting on the toilet, when I looked down I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at. Any woman who has had a miscarriage knows that the doctor always advises you to "collect anything that comes out and bring it in to be analyzed". So I got a little Tupperware container, dipped it in and caught this little thing. I set down the container and just stared in amazement at what was before me. There, in all its tiniest perfection, was a little fetal baby. Only an inch or so long, but perfectly formed. It was truly the most awe inspiring thing I have ever seen. Here it was, LIFE, in one of its earliest forms with a head and body with recognizable eyes, arms, hands, legs, and feet. And I was getting the chance to see it, up close and personal. It was my baby, this little thing was half me. And while I knew it was gone, that there was nothing there anymore, I apologized to it for getting sick. I apologized for this raw deal it got and I apologized for not being strong enough to care for it inside of me. I marveled at how Cadence and Andrew looked just like this at one point, and while they got through, this one did not. I had the start of Life and the end of Death all right there in front of me and I was truly humbled in a way I have never before felt. Nature is this beautiful thing that isn't always fair or kind, but its powerful. Powerful in a way that left me just feeling so small and yet so connected.

I called out to my mom and my sister (they are both very analytical, so I knew they would want to see the baby). As she came in, my mom stared in amazement, much as I had. She could not believe want she was looking at. Shock and awe crossed her face, and while we were both feeling sadness, we couldn't help but be struck by what we were seeing. Same with my sister. Its not everyday you get to see something like this, and usually if you do, its in a jar in some lab and you are not connected to it. But here was this baby that was supposed to be the newest addition to our family, and again, while it was gone, it was beautiful.

After we determined that we should probably seal up the container, we decided it had to be refrigerated. I know that seems weird, but what else were we going to do? So my mom wrapped it in tin foil so know one could see inside the container and hid it in the fridge. I called Kyle to tell him what happened. He was very upset and decided he wanted to come stay with us for the night. He went home, picked up some stuff for him and came back to me. We cried a little, we talked a lot and he decided he wanted to see. So I showed him our baby. Again with the awe. I know it sounds gross or morbid, people staring at this fetus, but it was so amazing. And comforting in a way. We knew for sure what had happened. There was no ambiguity, no waiting, no guessing like with the last one. No weeks of negative pregnancy test afterwards. Just a done deal and the ability to move forward.

Fast forward to today (I spent Monday just sleeping and recuperating), I called my midwife to see what to do and to cancel my first prenatal appointment. They gave me the best advise ever: if I felt OK, then I could bury my baby (we haven't decided exactly how or where to do this, but I like the idea) and avoid the hospital (unless I start to feel sick) and just come in for a check up at my scheduled appointment. No ER, no D and C, no procedures that could hurt my chances of conceiving further.

IF YOU SCANNED DOWN HOPING TO BE ABLE TO READ MORE, START HERE:
As for what the future holds, I don't know. My goals for the next few months are to get a few normal cycles under my belt, lose some weight so I am a healthier person, take the time to emotionally heal, and help my two existing children (who I am extremely grateful for) get ready for school in the fall. Then, once all that is done and in place, Kyle and I will talk about trying again.

My life has been a little strange lately, I am in new territory that I hope I am navigating as well as I possible can. Despite all this weirdness for me, the kids are great. Both growing and thriving. Kyle is doing really well at work and as usual is an amazing supporter. We always find strength and grow together in these trying times, and this one is no different. I guess there is always that silver lining.

I hope for any of you that have gone through this, or are going through this, or Heaven forbid, ever have to go through this know that you are not alone. I am in the thick of it, but I am surviving. There is almost always a reason to hope, you just have to look for it.

Stasis

2010-05-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

I feel so lost right now. I feel like my life is in the pending column. I am no longer pregnant, and I am still waiting for my first period after miscarriage. Evidently it can take quite some time, but it has me on hold in terms of trying again. I feel so incomplete at the moment. I recently went shopping with my sister and we ending up getting some baby stuff for a friend of mine who is having her first girl (after 2 boys), I couldn't help but feel like I should have been getting stuff for my own baby. I am thrilled for all of those around me who are fortunate enough to be having babies right now, and I am extremely grateful for the 2 beautiful children I have. But this loss (albeit small) is sticking with me, and I am having serious trouble shaking it and feeling confident in my abilities to conceive again. This past month and a half has dragged on, leaving me feeling drained and fuzzy. I have this constant weight pressing on my chest and most of the time I feel inches from tears.
I know this will pass, most likely sooner than I think it will. But for now, I wish there was some way to get rid of the lingering emotions.

A loss...

2010-03-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have miscarried this pregnancy. I am doing the best I can to handle it, but its not going as well as I would like. Thankfully I am surrounded by awesome friends and family.

And 3 months later....

2010-03-10T22:29:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. But with school, kids, husband, friends, family... Ok, so excuses aren't going to work on you. I'm sorry I messed up. I am here now, and that is what really counts.

A lot has happened since January. I'll go by person so you can better organize your info in yo' head.

Cadence:
She has been classic Cadence. This kid is so science minded its not even funny. Here is a selection of questions I have been asked lately:

Mom, what holds our bones together?

Mom, how does my heart know to pump my blood?

Mom, why is the moon shiny?

Mom, how come the Earth shakes sometimes?

Mom, how does a baby come out of a baby hole? (Yes, she is referring to a vagina, we have had to have "the talk" already, yeesh)

Her favorite show is still Mythbusters and she is obsessed with medical animations/videos on the internet. Her current obsession is the human heart. She picked out 2 books at Barnes and Noble, one was a pop-up book about Space and the other was a book about the heart. This kid, she will be a scientist. We are so proud, and very much looking forward to her starting kindergarten in the fall. She is ssssoooooo ready for it.

Andrew:
OK, so some of you may know that Andy has been receiving daily therapies and services for possible Autism/Developmental Delays. Well we finally had our Psychological Evaulation and it has been confirmed. Andy is indeed Autisitc. He has been diagnosed with Austism Disorder. It is the broadest diagnosis on the spectrum, and while she said he will be high functioning, its moderate at the moment. We are very lucky that most of his issues are language based. He has some social components, but they are very mild. For the most part he is such a happy, loving kid who doesn't really give us any trouble, so we consider ourselves lucky. We have our bad days where he is weepy and frustrated because he can't communicate what he wants, so we get frustrated too. However, those are few and far between. We are just so happy to have a diagnosis because it will help so much getting him the things he needs. He will start with the Special Education program through El Monte School District this fall as well. So I will go from being home with 2 kids, to being home with none. Weird, huh?

Kyle:
Kyle is working his butt off to support us all. And I don't mean just at his place of employment. He comes home every night and takes over with the kids so I can go to class, work on homework, and study. He has been so good to me, I feel so lucky to have married such an amazing guy. Men like him are rare, and I am forever grateful that we found each other.

Me:
SCHOOL!!!! I got a 3.75 GPA last semester, which put me on the Dean's List. I was so thrilled and felt so accomplished. It was hard work that was totally worth it. I was taking four classes, which was full time, so it was a lot! This semester I signed up for four, but dropped one. So I am 3/4 time. Its still a lot of work. Its harder classes too, but I think I can do it.

Whole Family:
We are growing!!!! We just found out that we are expecting our third. Cadence is super excited and hoping for a sister. Remember when I said I would be home with no one? Ok so I lied. Baby #3 is due November 18th, which just so happens to be Kyle's sister Kelly's birthday! We are bursting at the seems with joy. We could always use more money, but really if money is our only problem, we'll take it. Our marriage is stronger that its ever been, we have 2 (soon to be 3) amazing children, we live close to most of our family and friends, and we are learning and growing each day. What more could you really ask for? Here is to the journey....

A New Year...

2010-01-12T10:06:00.001-08:00

So, school is out and I finally received all my grades and the verdict is...I AM AWESOME!!!! Ok, just kidding. I recieved three As and one B, giving me a GPA of 3.75. I am thrilled. All the hard work I did academically and all the hard work Kyle put in with the kids has paid off. While I was busy finding time during the day to do homework or study while taking care of the kids, Kyle was busy at his job. He would then come home and take over kid duty while I went to class. It was a lot to stuff into a day, but we did it. Onward to next semester!

Cadence is 5 now. Yeah, I said it. 5. I can't believe it. She is this grown up kid who is starting to do so much for herself. Besides her usual preoccupation with all things Princess oriented, she has recently developed a taste for science. Her favorite show (I am so not kidding about this) is Mythbusters. She currently is nursing a crush on Adam Savage. Creepy as it is, I support her taste in men. :P Santa brought her some dinosaur skeletons and a magnifying glass for Christmas, so she was very excited about that. She is progressing well in reading and writing, she loves to make "Valentine's" cards and sign her name to them. She grows ever more beautiful (and willfull) everyday and frankly, I fear for our sanity...

These pictures were from Halloween, she was Sleeping Beauty

Andrew (Andy Candy as he is known around these parts), is progressing well. He is doing about 10 hours of therapy a week right now. While he is still behind in language and cognition, he is making huge leaps in gross and fine motor skills. He is repeating words a lot, but not using them as purposefully as we would like. We are continually impressed and frustrated by him. There is a brilliant child in there, if he would just come out and play. I guess we just have to wait until he is ready to push forward more. We work with him tons without trying to overdo it and stress him. He is a sweet and affectionate child with the softest skin you ever touched. While he has bad days where he is grumpy, for the most part he is so sweet natured and almost always has a smile on his face.

Andy was what I called "Batman on Casual Friday" because the mask wouldn't fit.

Kyle and I are doing well. We just had our 6th wedding anniversary and we couldn't be happier. We grow as people and as a couple more each day. We have learned so much from each other this year and can't wait to see what the future holds.
Really, that is all I've got for now. I'll try to update more often, and if I think of any fun stories from the past 6 months, I'll post them. See ya around folks!

Oh yeah, we got a kitten. Meet: Spock the Vulcan Cat!

School is almost out...

2009-12-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

For those who don't know, I went back to school. Readjusting to this new hectic schedule (which included 12 hours of weekly therapy for Andy) has been really rough. I am not gonna post an update yet, I will give you all a detailed account of things when the semester is over and I have grades. For now though, we have decorated our Christmas tree and I wanted you all to know that Jack is back. Yes Mr. Skellington is once again the Master of Ceremonies in our household. Here are a few pictures for you to enjoy!

Jack head topper and pumpkin lights!

I got so lucky and found these black ornament with silver swirls at Wal*Mart (18pk for $4)

I really do love those pumpkin lights and black ornaments, also looky at my paper ones from last year. They survived!

I do love the stripy ones too!

My skeleton tree gets his Xmas look!

This year we put our 3 foot tree in the kids room and let Cadence decorate it by herself. She was very excited and it turned out beautifully.

Birthday...

2009-10-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my 28th birthday. This means a few things to me:
#1-Brazilian BBQ for lunch. (You get it free on your birthday, plus they happen to be running an anniversary special today and lunch is only $10)
#2-Disneyland. Gotta go get my $72 gift card because I am a passholder!
#3- 28 is very close to 30. For this I am grateful. I am not one of those dreading 30 types, I am looking forward to be an age were no one considers me a "young mom" and looks down on me for it. I am looking forward to being able to say "Well I'm 30 and I'm not old" :P
#4-Maybe I'll be smarter when I'm 30. One can hope.

So there are my reasons for looking forward to my 30th. But for now, I'll stick to perfect 28, I have a whole year after all...

Working towards peace is a good thing folks.

2009-10-11T15:35:00.001-07:00

Crazy life...

2009-09-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

So this is what my calendar looks like. Please note that it does not, although it will soon hopefully if the government will come through with her freakin' birth certificate, include preschool for Cadence yet. So things are only going to get crazier. I apologize for not posting in forever. I also need to do a post about our Seattle trip, but for those of you who don't know, I went back to school. Full time. What was I thinking you ask? I have no clue, but its working I just have to stay on top of it all. So that means short blog posts. Until next time...

Andy's Bday Pictorial.

2009-07-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

Friday night (July 24th, his actual birthday) was spent at home with the "compounders." Nothing big, just some cupcakes and ice cream (no ice cream for Andy). Saturday (July 25th) was spend at my parent's house with my side of the family, including my grandma who had harassed me for days about his birthday. Nothing big or all that exciting, he's only 2. But it was fun and he enjoyed his presents and cake. Thanks everyone! Here are the pictures:

Harry Potter next week!

2009-07-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

So the new movie is coming out this week, and while I won't be able to make it to a midnight showing (we have our first appointment with one of Andy's therapists Wednesday morning), I am definitly going to see it as soon as I can! So in honor of Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince I did a sorting test and here are my results:

Your in-depth results are:
Gryffindor - 15

Hufflepuff - 10

Ravenclaw - 10

Slytherin - 8

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

So, feel free to take the test yourself and see where you end up. Loads of fun and here's to a new Harry Potter!

Big Day for Andy

2009-06-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

So our caseworker came by today to meet us. A nice young lady named Rosie (did I just refer to her as a young lady? Come on, I'm only 27). She went over what our schedule is going to be like. 10 hours a week of the Infant Program which is the play based education/behavioral therapy, 1 hour of speech therapy, and 1-2 hours of occupational therapy. That's 12-13 hours a week, 2-3 hours a day (Mon-Fri) for therapies. She said she hoped I would not be overwhelmed.

Later in the day, Andy had his hearing test. This did not go well. Not because he can't hear, but because he really did not want to sit still on my lap. So the doctor thought it best to have him back in a couple of months to try again. I had not had any concerns about his hearing until today. He responded to the first low, loud tones, but didn't to the higher pitched, quieter ones. But he was also really distracted and fidgety by then. But my gut did go, "Hhhmmm..." So we'll see.

How do I feel in terms of being overwhelmed? Very. I think I have cried everyday for the past week. I am worried about my baby, concerned about my abilities as a mother and wife, and hoping that poor Cadence doesn't get lost in the fray. Although, the last one is not so worrisome. If you know Cadence, you know she has a way of making herself known.

The stress of it all has caused me to close up and behave kinda jerky. I apologize if you have caught any of my crap. I have been trying to keep up my brave front, but over the past couple of days it has crumbled miserably. I spent last night crying on the phone with a friend, and then crying in the arms of my ever-so-understanding husband.

I woke up this morning feeling very positive though, and was able to get quite a bit accomplished before the kids even got out of bed. So that was good for my self-esteem. But then the visit with all its information took me down a couple of notches. And then the hearing test. I am trying to not let it get me down, because the most important person in all this isn't me.

Andy is doing well. He is getting more words now that we have some tools to help him. He is an overall happy, healthy boy. He smiles a lot and loves to give his mama hugs. So I am grateful for that. His easygoing, sweet temper are really making this much more easy to tackle. And look at this face:He thought these lemons were "Apples", little did he know...

Perspective

2009-06-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

"Children of Bad Memories"Photographing a generation born of rape during the Rwandan genocide.

By Mia Fineman
Posted Wednesday, June 10, 2009, at 7:03 AM ET

They call them "enfants mauvais souvenirs," children of bad memories. During the 1994 Rwandan genocide, hundreds of thousands of Tutsi women were systematically raped and forced into sexual servitude by members of extremist Hutu militia groups. Many of these women became pregnant. Since abortion is illegal in Rwanda, some resorted to back-alley procedures or traveled to the neighboring Democratic Republic of the Congo to terminate their pregnancies. Others gave birth and abandoned the babies or gave them away to orphanages. Still others kept their children and are now struggling to raise them alone in post-genocide Rwanda.

Photojournalist Jonathan Torgovnik first became aware of the estimated 20,000 Rwandan children born of rape in 2006. He was traveling on assignment for a Newsweek story pegged to the 25^th anniversary of the AIDS epidemic. While in Rwanda, he met Odette, a young Tutsi woman who had been raped repeatedly during the genocide and had contracted HIV as a result. During the interview, she revealed that she was raising a son fathered by one of the Hutu militiamen who had raped her and slaughtered her family. (The subjects' names have been changed to protect their identitites. While the women want the world to know what happened to them, they hope to protect themselves and their children from the censure of their own communities.)

Over the next three years, Torgovnik returned repeatedly to Rwanda to interview and photograph other genocide survivors like Odette. The result is Intended Consequences: Rwandan Children Born of Rape, a new book and traveling exhibition of 30 haunting portraits of Rwandan women and their children. Torgovnik's photographs are accompanied by the women's testimonies—intimate accounts of the horrors they endured and the daily challenges they face, as well as their complicated feelings about caring for children conceived as the result of extreme sexual violence.

The testimonies do not make for easy reading. More than half of the women Torgovnik interviewed are HIV-positive. Most live in dire poverty, ostracized by their own families and communities because of the stigmas attached to rape and AIDS. In Rwanda, a heavily patriarchal society, children of wartime rape are perceived as belonging to the enemy. As Josette, the mother of Thomas, recalls, "My uncle didn't welcome me into his house. He asked me who was responsible for my pregnancy. I said if I am pregnant, then it must be the militias since many of them had raped me. He said I shouldn't enter his house carrying a baby of the Hutus and chased me away. I left, but I didn't know where to go. Later, my uncle told me that I could only enter his house if I agreed to throw away the child."

The women discuss their own feelings about their children with heartbreaking candor. Some confess their inability to feel love or affection for children who are living reminders of the terrible ordeals they endured. Others say that their children are their only source of hope and consolation, that without them they wouldn't have the will to survive. Their stories are stark dramas of evil and innocence, brought to life with horrific specificity.

Torgovnik interviewed the women away from their kids, most of whom have not been told about the circumstances of their conception. Afterward, he photographed the mothers and children—mostly young adolescents now—together in their home environments. Torgovnik, who is himself a child of Holocaust survivors, clearly earned the trust of his subjects. The portraits have a grave beauty, a quality of unguarded exposure that one rarely finds in documentary photography. Lushly colored and suffused with golden light, the portraits humanize their subjects and amplify the emotional impact of the stories that accompany them.

When Torgovnik asked the women about their hopes for the future, nearly all of them talked about their children's education. As one woman put it, "It is my wish that they go to school because if you go to school, you have a better life, and if you have a better life, you don't get involved in bad things." In Rwanda, primary school is free, but the cost of secondary school, including fees, books, and uniforms, comes to about $350 a year—an expense well beyond the means of most of these women.

Moved by the mothers' repeated appeals, Torgovnik co-founded a nonprofit organization, Foundation Rwanda, that provides funding for secondary school education for these kids and helps connect their mothers to existing psychological and medical support. Now, on the 15^th
anniversary of the Rwandan genocide, a generation of children born of rape is ready for high school.

Click here to view a slide show of portraits and excerpted testimonies from Intended Consequences: Rwandan Children Born of Rape.

Andy's evaluation.

2009-06-09T22:22:00.001-07:00

So today we had Andy's evaluation with the Regional Center in Pomona. We requested this evaluation because we had concerns about Autism, although those had begun to fade recently after taking him off milk and discovering that he indeed does have a milk allergy. A milk allergy can sometimes manifest with neurological symptoms.

So today we met with an Occupational/Behavioral Therapist and a Speech/Language Therapist. They were looking at 5 different areas of development. Cognitive, communication, motor skills (gross and fine), social/emotional, and adaptive (self help). In order to qualify for the free services, your child must meet the criteria of having a 1/3 age delay. Meaning you take your child's age, divide it by 3, and the subtract that answer from their age and if they are testing at that age level, then you have met the delay requirement. Andy met the age requirements. He is 23 months old now, but is testing as follows:

Domain	Functional Level	1/3 delay is : 15mths 3 wks
Cognitive	16 months Qualitative	X
Communication	9-15 months	X
Gross motor	18 months Qualitative	X
Fine motor	16 months Qualitative	X
Social/Emotional	15 months	X
Adaptive (self help)	15 months	X

So both therapists concluded that he has enough of a delay to recommend free early intervention services. These are the plans for the next 6 months:

Educational/Behavioral therapy at an intensive rate (meaning more than 5 hours a week, up to 15 hours if nesseccary.)
Occupational therapy once a week. (Most likely 2 hours at a time.)
Speech therapy once a week. (Also, about 2 hours at a time.)
Psychological evaluation for clarification of diagnosis/progress in 4-6 months.

As far as the Autism diagnosis goes, that is what the last line above is about. He does show some mild signs pointing towards Autism, however he shows a lot of positive signs as well. They want to put him through the program for a few months and see how he progresses before giving him a permanent diagnosis. Most likely, his delays are due to the way he learns and our lack of knowledge about how to teach him. Almost like a learning disability, except its not a disability, its just how Andy's brain works. Its not like most children. We, however, have been teaching him like he is the same as other kids and this is the result. So even implementing the changes they told us to today has made a difference. He started with a phrase today. "Oh no! What are we gonna do?" Its a little jumbled, but that is definitely what he is saying. He picked it up from Super Why. That show is amazing. And so is our beautiful baby boy.

As to how we are feeling about all this and what our reactions are, ask me in a couple of days. We both need some time to process and figure out what is swirling in our heads. Its a lot of information, and its still open ended. I will say this, we are both very happy to have a plan of action for the time being. Its going to take up a lot of our time, but we are looking forward to watching Andy grow and progress in news ways. Here's to the future!

Fuck the Supreme Court.

2009-05-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Fuck you and Fuck all the voters who decided that they have the right to tell people who they can and can't marry. You think marriage between a man and woman is so sacred? Then how do you justify legal divorce? What about wife beaters? Are they sacred just because they are married to the opposite gender? Fuck off and don't tell me how to live my life.

Oh yeah, and if you didn't know this already, I'm bisexual. So kiss my ass.

STAR TREK

2009-05-25T01:04:00.001-07:00

Life gets so busy.....

2009-04-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

My children are growing! Cadence is 4 (has been for awhile now) and she will be starting Preschool fairly soon here. When did that happen? When did she get old enough for that? I was dead set against preschool. But I really think she needs to work on letting the teacher be in charge before she starts getting graded for it. Cadence is certain she is some sort of authority for the Universe. She knows she is the one who makes the rules.

Ok so that is really not true, and she has cried many a tear over that very fact. She and I have clashed many times because I "should just let little girls do what they want to do." Sorry Cadence, no dice. We had a long discussion about how "Mommies make the rules, not little girls." Imagine her astonishment when I explained that someday she would be a mommy and could make the rules. Her response? "But Mom, I just wanna be a grandma, not a mom." Evidently she likes the look of my mom's job better, less yelling and conflict. I skipped the explaination of how to be a grandma, I didn't want her head to explode.

She is also under the impression that she is a Princess. Not so unsual for a girl her age. Except that when playing "dress up" (aka how she feels she should be dressed at all times) she orders people around like she is in fact a princess. Again Cadence, no dice. We had a particularly interesting episode where during a tea party for her imaginary friends, one of these so-called friends messed something up. Cadence spent the next 10 minutes yelling at her "friends" while my mom and I laughed that not even people she makes up can do things exactly right. At least her expectations for the real world are accurate.

Andy is growing more and more everyday. He is about 22 months old now and can do some pretty amazing things. Like knowing his entire alphabet by sight. However, there are some pretty regular things he doesn't do. So after talking it over with a couple of family members, we've decided to get him evaluated for Autism. He is a very intelligent little boy and can be pretty affectionate when the mood strikes him. However, he doesn't talk much, he loves to play games by himself for long periods of time, he can be very withdrawn, and there are also some other symptoms I'm not going to bother to get into.

The process of getting him evaluated it going to be a long one. I did an over-the-phone assessment about a week ago with a lady from the Regional Center and am now waiting for the letter telling me what to do next. Because it is a government agency, there will be lots of waiting and red tape. But its worth it if they will help my son.

I've been doing lots of reading here and here. There are plenty of websites out there, but I am sticking to the ones that are most well known. I don't need some crazy person giving me unfounded advice. The Wikipedia entry is only semi helpful since people can edit those and it looks like maybe some people put their opinions, not facts, in that entry. Oh well.
Despite all of this, we are extremely hopeful for Andy's future. If he is Autistic, its only mildly. Plenty of therapy, some diet changes, and lots of love should help him on the road to a "normal" future. The current good news is that he is a happy, smart, kind little boy who makes his mama smile everyday.

I would like to note that even with this stuff going on, Kyle and I are fairly certain that Cadence will continue to be the bigger challenge of the two. That girl thinks she has the world dialed. Oy vey....

Kyle and I are good. Kyle is still working hard at the company he has been with for almost 3 years now, but due to some "bumps in the road" he is taking a break from school. This means that it is my turn to go. I start Citrus College in the fall. Its really scary to be heading back to school. The last time I was there I was 19 and carefree (hence the not finishing). Now I am 27, married, with 2 kids. What the hell am I thinking? But it needs to be done. I want to have some sort of future. I want to be prepared to support my family on my own should something happen to Kyle (Please no!). Also I just want to better myself as a person. I hate the idea of becoming the one demensional Mom. I want to be a whole person outside of my family, so that I can be the best wife and mother possible. I want my daughter to grow up seeing her mother work hard and progressing, that way she knows what she herself is capable of. Live by example, right? That's what I want to do. So Citrus, here I come.

Kyle will go back to school when its time. Don't worry, he's not done. But for now, he gets to be SuperDad. (He'll take over when he gets home form work so I can go to classes) And he is looking forward to it.

So, one that note, I give you a couple of pictures of the kids as they are now:

A picture of the hubby-hubs:

And a new one of me (not sure why I am on the phone):

Guest blogging

2009-03-25T12:30:00.001-07:00

So I got asked to write up an experience for another blog. Click here if you'd like to read it:

Coming soon....

2009-03-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

I will post a long update about our life soon. Thing have been pretty crazy around here. I think they are calming down, so I will have more time here soon. Until then...

Be careful, or Andy will come for your blood (actually your Red Vines) too!

Madness in poetry

2009-03-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

The knife met with blood,

Greeting it like an enemy.

Spilled it from its home,

in the arteries and veins.

Down the hand it fell,

landing in pools on the floor.

Over and over,

Knife did this dance.

Until no longer welcomed

by the flesh that had given way.

At that moment

Pain took center stage.

Pain swirled around

coursing through the synapses.

Over flowing them

with sensations of agony.

Then Body showed mercy

And Darkness took its rightful place.

I miss my Aunt Sally

2009-02-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, February 24th, would have been my Aunt Sally's birthday. I believe she would've been 49. I say would have because she died three and a half years ago. My Aunt Sally had an extraordinary battle with cancer. She was diagnosed at the end of May, maybe beginning of June in 2005. She died on August 24, 2005. It was that quick. I wasn't prepared to lose her. There are still days that I can't wrap my brain around the fact that she is gone.

My Aunt Sally was my mom's best friend. They had been friends since they were 15. That's actually how my mom met my dad. Its a really cool story. And it made for growing up with these 2 amazing women so much fun, because I got to hear all sorts of stories about what they were both like as teenagers.

As adults, my parents and my Aunt Sally and Uncle Pete (her husband), all live in the same apartment complex at first. They had their babies together. My cousin, Jim and I are 2 months apart; my sister, Laura and my cousin, Katie are a few months apart; and my brother, Paul and my cousin, Dave are a little further apart than that. We grew up always being together and listening to that wonderful laugh my aunt had.

She was the storyteller in the family. She held a room better than anybody I know. If she were there, chances were everyone was listening to what she had to say. Her funeral was one of the largest I've ever been too. Her whole town turned out and did everything they could to support us and each other through that incredible loss.

And what a loss it was. I always figured when my own mother died (something she is certain will happen while she is young, but can't because I need her too much), that my Aunt Sally would be there to ease the transition. To calm my tears and tell me stories about my mom. Instead, my mother did that for Katie. Katie was 6 months pregnant with her first child when her mom past away. I can't imagine what that was like. And then her daughter, Kelsy was born and guess who she looked just like? It was Aunt Sally's face starting up at us. It was the most wonderfully, bittersweet thing I have ever experienced.

Anyway, I want to say that I love you and miss you terribly, Aunt Sally. I know the pain of your loss will only be completely gone when we meet again on the other side. I look forward to that day.

This was us on my wedding day, she was such a big help. She did all my flowers. So beautiful...

Sally Ann Marsilio Schlieker

February 24, 1959-August 24, 2005

Controlling an addiction

2009-02-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

So I have a pretty serious addiction. Now bear with me while I discuss it. I am addicted to books. To reading in general. I had to stop reading books for awhile after I finished the Harry Potter series because I was losing sleep and shirking my responsibilities. So while I avoided books, I was on the Internet. Some people look at pictures on the Internet. Some people chat online all the time. Lots of people I know personally, play games online. Me, I read. Everything. Articles, short stories, blogs, you name it, I'll read it. Hell, I think I read an index list one time.

I love language. Words can have so much effect, or none at all. They can be arranged in a pleasing manner, or one meant to anger. They can provoke deep seated emotions or create a comforting atmosphere reminiscent of home. My favorite word of all right now is transcendence. The word's original meaning was "to climb or go beyond". But it has since been adapted for philosophical use to mean "all possible knowledge of one's self". My favorite is to combine to the two meanings and get the profound thought "going beyond the knowledge of one's self". Pushing my own boundaries to see how balanced, tolerate, compassionate, and kind I can become. That is my transcendence.

Back to my original point, I am addicted to books. I have recently started to read books again. I read Sense and Sensibility, Jane Eyre, Mansfield Park, and Emma in just a couple of weeks. And while that may seem fast to you, that was taking my time for me. I could have easily read those in just a few days if I had not slept. Which I have been known to do at times. But I am getting better. It was my goal to read some before bed every night to wind down my brain. I used to watch TV, but I was having trouble sleeping because TV activates certain parts of your brain counterproductive to sleep. So I picked up a book, and it helped.

But then I was off and running again. I read before bed, I read if the kids are napping or playing quietly, and I read if Kyle is around to help with the kids. So this go round seems to be working for my sleep schedule, as well as my reading schedule. And it makes me happy. I love diving into the world of my 18th century authors. So much beauty in the language and formality in the culture. Its an indulgence of the highest degree.

I am rapidly making my way through my Jane Austen collection, next I move onto the Bronte Sisters, and from there I am going to start making my way through all of Shakespeare's works. That's right, I said all of SHAKESPEARE'S works. I know, I am a crazy person. But I love this stuff and (imagine this) I can understand it. It was always one of my strong suits to understand Shakespeare's language. Friends in high school would bring their papers and projects to me for help. Oh and another note about me as a student: I was the kid who read ahead in the textbook during class and pissed off the teacher. I'd be 4 chapters ahead of where he/she was teaching from. Yeah, I was THAT KID. Its no wonder I grew up to be a nerd.

There is plenty of good left in the world....

2009-02-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

Read this story, and try not to cry.

February 18, 2009

Amid the grieving, a rare act of sportsmanship

Associated Press

The coach never considered any other option.

It didn't matter that his DeKalb, Ill., High School basketball team had ridden a bus two and a half hours to get to Milwaukee, then waited another hour past game time to play. Didn't matter that the game was close, or that this was a chance to beat a big city team.



Johntel Franklin scored 10 points in the game following the loss of his mother.

Something else was on Dave Rohlman's mind when he asked for a volunteer to shoot two free throws awarded his team on a technical foul in the second quarter. His senior captain raised his hand, ready to go to the line as he had many times before.

Only this time it was different.

"You realize you're going to miss them, don't you?" Rohlman said.

Darius McNeal nodded his head. He understood what had to be done.

It was a Saturday night in February, and the Barbs were playing a non-conference game on the road against Milwaukee Madison. It was the third meeting between the two schools, who were developing a friendly rivalry that spanned two states.

The teams planned to get together after the game and share some pizzas and soda. But the game itself almost never took place.

Hours earlier, the mother of Milwaukee Madison senior captain Johntel Franklin died at a local hospital. Carlitha Franklin had been in remission after a five-year fight with cervical cancer, but she began to hemorrhage that morning while Johntel was taking his college ACT exam.

Her son and several of his teammates were at the hospital late that afternoon when the decision was made to turn off the life-support system. Carlitha Franklin was just 39.

"She was young and they were real close," said Milwaukee coach Aaron Womack Jr., who was at the hospital. "He was very distraught and it happened so suddenly he didn't have time to grieve."

Womack was going to cancel the game, but Franklin told him he wanted the team to play. And play they did, even though the game started late and Milwaukee Madison dressed only eight players.

Early in the second quarter, Womack saw someone out of the corner of his eye. It was Franklin, who came there directly from the hospital to root his teammates on.

The Knights had possession, so Womack called a time out. His players went over and hugged their grieving teammate. Fans came out of the stands to do the same.

"We got back to playing the game and I asked if he wanted to come and sit on the bench," Womack said during a telephone interview.

"No," Franklin replied. "I want to play."

There was just one problem. Since Franklin wasn't on the pre-game roster, putting him in meant drawing a technical foul that would give DeKalb two free throws.

Though it was a tight game, Womack was willing to give up the two points. It was more important to help his senior guard and co-captain deal with his grief by playing.

Over on the other bench, though, Rohlman wasn't so willing to take them. He told the referees to forget the technical and just let Franklin play.

"I could hear them arguing for five to seven minutes, saying, `We're not taking it, we're not taking it," Womack said. "The refs told them, no, that's the rule. You have to take them."

That's when Rohlman asked for volunteers, and McNeal's hand went up.

He went alone to the free throw line, dribbled the ball a couple of times, and looked at the rim.

His first attempt went about two feet, bouncing a couple of times as it rolled toward the end line. The second barely left his hand.

It didn't take long for the Milwaukee players to figure out what was going on.

They stood and turned toward the DeKalb bench and started applauding the gesture of sportsmanship. Soon, so did everybody in the stands.

"I did it for the guy who lost his mom," McNeal told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. "It was the right thing to do."

They may not remember our record 20 years from now, but they'll remember what happened in that gym that night.

? Dave Rohlman, head coach of the opposing DeKalb team on what his players will take away from this experience.

Franklin would go on to score 10 points, and Milwaukee Madison broke open the game in the second half to win 62-47. Afterward, the teams went out for pizza, two players from each team sharing each pie.

Franklin stopped by briefly, thankful that his team was there for him.

"I got kind of emotional but it helped a lot just to play," he said. "I felt like I had a lot of support out there."

Carlitha Franklin's funeral was last Friday, and the school turned out for her and her son. Cheerleaders came in uniform, and everyone from the principal and teachers to Johntel's classmates were there.

"Even the cooks from school showed up," Womack said. "It lets you know what kind of kid he is."

Basketball is a second sport for the 18-year-old Franklin, who says he has had some scholarship nibbles and plans to play football in college. He just has a few games left for the Knights, who are 6-11 and got beat 71-36 Tuesday night by Milwaukee Hamilton.

It hasn't been the greatest season for the team, but they have stuck together through a lot of adversity.

"We maybe don't have the best basketball players in the world but they go to class and take care of business," Womack said. "We have a losing record but there's life lessons going on, good ones."

None so good, though, as the moment a team and a player decided there were more important things than winning and having good stats.

Yes, DeKalb would go home with a loss. But it was a trip they'll never forget.

"This is something our kids will hold for a lifetime," Rohlman said. "They may not remember our record 20 years from now, but they'll remember what happened in that gym that night."

I forgot to include these tid-bits...

2009-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

In writing my blog about Cadence, I forgot to include these gems as well. Here they are:

4. Kyle had both kids playing in their room when Cadence turns to him to explain, "Daddy, Andy (her little brother) doesn't understand our words, Andy doesn't understand our choices, Andy doesn't understand our conscious choices." To which Kyle replied, "Did you just say conscious choices?" "Yes." was her nonchalant answer. He relayed the story to me and to this day we have not figured out where she got that statement.

5. Kyle was gonna take Cadence next door for a visit but need to get something out of Double D first. Double D, if you are not aware, is what I named my Dodge Durango. Anyway, Kyle told her to wait at the curb because he needed to go around to driver's side and he didn't want her standing in the street with him. She said to him, "If that is the way it is done, then that is the way you must do it." Now at least THIS one we can identify the source. One of her favorite movies is Labyrinth. When Sarah finally reaches the castle, she must go in by herself to get her baby brother out. One of her friends makes that statement when she tells them she needs to go in alone. But still. To use that phrase properly in real life is bizarre. But that's Cadence.

So anyway, just a couple more examples of Cadence's Cadenceness.

I have a four-year old daughter...

2009-01-24T00:13:00.000-08:00

Her name is Cadence. She is, by far, one of the most interesting people I know. And I can say, with a good amount of certainty, that you would think so too.

Cadence is 4 going on 14. Yes, she is one of those. To let you in on what kind of a 14 year-old I deal with in my 4 year-old's body, let me share some examples from our life:

1. It late at night and we have been arguing over bed for quite some time now. She doesn't want to sleep (despite the fact we put her in bed hours ago). She wants to brush her teeth for some unexplainable reason. She is denied that joy. Since she shares a room with her baby brother, and is making a fair amount of noise, I put her in our room, on our bed to sleep. She protests because we have no night light or music in our room. I leave her there with her thoughts and wails for some time. I come back into the room and proceed to argue more with her about being quiet and going to sleep. This is where she turns to me and exclaims (rather fervently) that "Mom, brushing my teeth....well....its just what my life is about!" Turning away from her to hide my laughter, I tell her that she needs to either go to sleep in here with no night light or music, or she is welcome to return to her bed, provided she is quiet, and enjoy the comforts of her room. She listens, but does not respond. I again ask her "Would you like to stay in here, in the dark, without your music or do you want to go sleep in your room with your princess night light and Pretties Music?" She then looks at me, very much defeated, and says "Mom...what's the difference?". Now I REALLY had to stifle the laughter. In the end she went back to her room and slept peacefully in her bed. But Kyle and I marvelled at the years ahead of us.

2. I am at my parent's house, with both kids, and everyone is playing. My dad comes out into the playroom and says to me "I have a bone to pick with you." At this point I am kind of worried, I have no idea what I could have done that would make my dad take that tone with me. "You daughter tells me" he continues, "that you are always ruining her life, everyday." We all burst into laughter. Here my 4 year-old little girl went and ratted me out to my dad. Oh yes, she understands completely who Grandpa is. The rest of the day was spent with her telling me, every time I denied her something she wanted, that I "ruin her life everyday". Wow.

3. At home with the kids in the evening, they are playing with balloons we have brought home from the days travels, I am checking email and Kyle, I think, was folding laundry or something. Cadence comes out with one balloon in her toy pram. She tells me she has "killed it". I ask her why she killed the balloon (in playing Castle Crashers with Daddy on the Xbox 360 she picked up the word kill, ugh). She then turned to me, looked me dead in the eye, and says "I killed it because the other balloon told me to." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I stared at her while my thoughts raced with visions of Rosemary's Baby. Kyle came out and saw the look on my face. I explained to him what Cadence had told me and his eyes widened a little. When I relayed the story to my mom, she laughed (it was slightly nervous sounding) and said that it was most likely a silly kid thing, but we might want to make sure she doesn't take her imaginary friends too seriously. So far, we have had no other incidents.

So, that is my daughter. She says and does some of the most interesting things I have ever witnessed a 4 year-old do. In a lot of ways she is like every little girl. She loves her dress up stuff, wants me to give her "princess hair", likes to play with her dolls and when her Uncle Paul and his girlfriend, Aislyn bring over her son to be watched, Cadence likes to help feed him and hold him (he is 2 months-old). She is a sweet girl with a good heart, but there are some unusual things that go on inside that head. What will the future hold? Only time will tell....

A great article about life in "ye olden time".

2009-01-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

A Colonial Dame

My brief, inspiring career as a historical re-enactor.

By Emily YoffePosted Thursday, Dec. 11, 2008, at 7:06 AM ET

Colonial Emily "Chastity Crump" YoffeVerily, your humble fervent did in the guise of the Humanae Cavia Porcellus fojourn to the paft, to the year of our Lord 1771. Prithee, allow me to declaim of my adventure in the colony of Virginia, and my discoveries.

"The reigning fantasy in many girlhoods is that of becoming a princess, presiding over a palace, dressing in satin, wielding a scepter. I always imagined myself as a settler, sitting by a cozy fireside, dressing in homespun, wielding knitting needles. So the tiny one-room, wood-beamed farmhouse at the Claude Moore Colonial Farm, a living history site set in 1771, with its dirt floor, hearth, table, spinning wheel, and sleeping loft, sent me back both to this country's beginnings and my own—it was the perfect manifestation of my childhood dreams.

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For the Human Guinea Pig column I have been no stranger to costumes, from the nightmarish bathing suit competition at the Mrs. Washington, D.C., pageant, to my horrific "living doll" look fora stint as a street performer. As a historical interpreter at the farm, the foundation of my transformation into an 18^th-century woman was the foundation garment called "stays—the fabric and bone device that tied around the upper body. This was not the wasp-waisted, heaving-bosom look of a Scarlett O'Hara corset. Instead the torso in stays becomes almost cylindrical, one's front flattened, one's back held straight. Good posture was a matter of propriety, and both Colonial boys and girls were put in stays. Males were released around age 7, but females spent their lives in them. I expected stays to be a sartorial prison. Instead, I enjoyed them. They made my movements deliberate, my posture impeccable. I felt as if the past was swaddling me.
The Claude Moore Colonial Farm is staffed by a handful of employees who do both the 21^st-century work of the front office—arranging events, working on the computer—and also the 18^th-century work of running a farm while portraying members of a tenant farm family. They are supplemented by an ardent group of volunteers. The most fanatic one I met was a young mother taking a hiatus from her Ph.D. in Colonial history who made authentic hemp diapers for her nursing infant. Incidentally, those of us playing roles on the farm were called "interpreters," not "re-enactors." Re-enactors is generally used to refer to more casual amateurs who like to dress up as a hobby.
Most farm staffers were women who had spent their childhoods playing olden days and had found a way as they grew up to keep going back in time. Elizabeth Rolando, 26, the program manager who portrays farm wife Lydia Bradley, volunteered as a girl at Plimoth Plantation and while a history major in college worked at Sturbridge Village. Katie Cannon, 26, the site supervisor and also a portrayer of Lydia, says, "I love spinning, sewing, gardening, cooking over an open fire, and I get paid to do it." Claude Moore is chronically short of men; men interested in living history often gravitate toward sites where they can pretend to do battle. Their absence at Claude Moore is explained to visitors by saying they are dead, or walking to Ohio to look for land.
I portrayed Chastity Crump, a middle-aged spinster from a neighboring farm who liked to visit Lydia and help with chores. For one of the farm's special events, a Colonial wedding, I acted as a kind of hostess, engaging our 21^st-century guests in small talk, encouraging them to dance, and handing out cake. With my conelike bodice, billowing hips, ruffled cap, and no makeup (cosmetics are banned on the farm), I felt it would have been easy to live up to my virtuous name.
At home, I am a despiser of the domestic arts. But I loved the meal preparation at the farm. One morning, Cannon got the fire blazing in the hearth, and I assisted with making slapjacks (pancakes made from dried, hand-pounded corn) using fresh turkey eggs, pease porridge (a split pea soup, and, yes, "pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold" ran incessantly through my head as I stirred), and a salad from the dark greens in the garden. There was not a single modern convenience, yet it all didn't take much longer than a meal Rachael Ray would put together. All the women on the farm came down for the midday meal and we sat outside at a long wooden table, shooing the chickens away. I'm not sure why every simple meal I had there tasted so good. Maybe because it was all raised a few feet from where we ate. Maybe it was the witchy satisfaction of women together stirring their cauldrons.
One day while I was in the farmhouse assisting Rolando, a class of third-graders, notebooks open, came and peppered her with questions.
Q: Do you got a job?
A: I've got lots of jobs. I do the cooking for my family. We grow tobacco.
Q: How do you go to the bathroom?
A: Oh, we don't bathe very often. It's not good to wash the oils off your skin.
Q: I mean the toilet.
A: There's lots of woods around here. We have a chamber pot in the loft, but we don't use it very often.
The schoolchildren were followed by a couple from Ohio. Rolando asked them if they knew of any hardworking single farmers, as her husband had recently died, leaving her with four stepchildren.
"What did he die of?" the wife asked.
"He got injured in the arm with an ax," she said matter-of-factly. "That wasn't so bad, but he died from the putrefaction of the limb."
There have been living history museums for so long that there could be a living history museum with people re-enacting the founding of the living history museum. According to the Association for Living History, Farm and Agricultural Museums, the first successful open-air folk museum was established in 1891 in Sweden. In the United States, Colonial Williamsburg opened in 1932 and Old Sturbridge Village in 1946. They pioneered the idea of filling restored buildings with accurately costumed people who could show how those buildings and the tools in them were used. In the 1970s many more living history museums were created, probably inspired by bicentennial historical fever. Today theALHFAM Web site has links to more than 100 such places around the country.
Claude Moore (named after a benefactor, not a historical figure) was founded in 1972 in McLean, Va., with the idea of showing that most Colonial Virginians didn't live at a Monticello but were poor farmers. It has a budget of about $430,000 and more than 60,000 visitors a year. One of the oddest things about the farm is its location: Across its property line is the headquarters of the CIA. I kept thinking about the essential similarity between the two places: They are both full of people who immerse themselves in false identities. The CIA's training site for people who go on to become spies is even called "The Farm," although that's actually near Colonial Williamsburg. Every time I would drive to Claude Moore, past the CIA guard house, I thought that our next breach of national security wouldn't come from an Aldrich Ames or Robert Hanssen, but from some Claude Moore volunteer wearing a listening device in his breeches. The proximity of these two federal entities (Claude Moore is the only privately operated national park) results in some strange encounters. Katherine Hughes, who recently left her job as a farmer to go back to graduate school, once got a distress call from the guard house saying they were surrounded by turkeys. Often CIA security will call asking to have the bull removed from their property.
After lunch one day Hughes put me to work making tobacco sticks. These are the humblest of objects—long sticks stripped of their bark and planed straight. They are placed across the rafters of the tobacco house where "hands" of tobacco—10 leaves tied together in bundles—are draped over them to dry. I sat on a "shaving horse," a wooden workbench in which I secured the stick so that it pointed toward me. I then took thedrawknife—a blade with handles at each end—and drew it across the stick. As I began my jagged scraping, the 21^st-century voice inside my head—a combination of my grandmother and a liability lawyer—started screaming admonitions: "Where are your goggles, a wood splinter could pierce your eye!" "You're aiming a knife toward your pulmonary artery!"
Yet I kept pulling the knife along the stick and it began to smooth and straighten. I fell into a rhythm and my movements started to become fluid. Making tobacco sticks required an action very similar to that used for the latissimus machine at the gym, a piece of equipment I hated. But as I sat on the shaving horse and pulled, my mind began to quiet. I finished my first stick, and as I stroked its silky finish I felt an inordinate sense of accomplishment. I put in another, and I found the scrape-scrape-scrape of the knife lobotomized the usual chattering in my head. A pair of middle-aged women approaching took me out of my reverie; I surreptitiously looked at the watch I had tucked into my pocket. Forty-five minutes had gone by; it had felt like 10.
During my time at Claude Moore I heard many interpreters say they were drawn to the 18^th century because life was simpler then. I never bought that. It didn't seem so simple to watch your arm putrefy or lose your teeth in your 20s, or bury most of your children. But as I got up to get home in time for carpool, I did feel a deep longing to stay on my wooden horse and just scrape sticks. Once humans spent most of their days doing useful things with their hands, and I realized that we were designed to get a deep satisfaction from this. As Hughes put it, "You have the feeling people were supposed to do this kind of work, rather than data entry, which is amazingly horrible."
Almost as soon as the Industrial Revolution arrived, people began mourning its efficiency. As Thomas Carlyle wrote in Signs of the Times in 1829, "[T]he living artisan is driven from his workshop, to make room for a speedier, inanimate one. The shuttle drops from the fingers of the weaver, and falls into iron fingers that ply it faster … nothing is left to be accomplished by old natural methods." The children who came to visit Claude Moore understood this loss. Several interpreters warned me that when I set children to various tasks they could do on the farm, from hoeing, to carding wool, to dipping candles, I would have a hard time getting them to stop. At a farm-skills training day, we all took turns learning how to crack dried corn on the hominy block, smashing a 3-foot-long wooden pestle against a hollowed-out log. One mother could not pull her 10-year-old son away and finally pleaded, "You have done a great job. So please stop pounding!" I had a vision of a new approach to our modern psychological problems. Psychiatrists would throw away children's Ritalin and their parents' Lexapro and prescribe a few hours a day of tobacco stick making or hominy cracking.
It was also a great pleasure to watch the animals. I was particularly entertained by the turkeys. These were not the tasteless, denatured modern grotesques bred to be so short-legged and heavy-breasted that they can no longer mate, but a heritage breed,Black Spanish. The turkeys are working birds; their job is to walk the rows of tobacco plants eating the horn worms. They were glorious to look at. The male, Brutus, was covered with glistening, iridescent feathers of emerald and russet which he often shimmied like a peacock. Brutus paraded with a harem of three hens—the group liked to come by the farmhouse at lunchtime looking for scraps. One day while I was sitting on a bench outside mending rags, I watched him get in a quarrel with a hen. They began pecking and squabbling until he lifted a foot, caught her wing, and pinned her to the ground. She eventually quieted, but when he removed his foot she got up, turned her back to him, straightened her feathers, and, head high, walked away without a glance.
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The lives of the poultry are so intimate with that of the farm family that Rolando said she often finds chicken eggs in her sewing basket. Working at Claude Moore also means having to have a kind of Sarah Palin nonchalance about the need to turn farm animals into meat. But a trip to the past made it clear that however life has improved for humans since 1771, for our livestock, progress has meant misery.
If there ever is a rip in the time-space continuum, my Claude Moore colleagues probably could convincingly slip into Colonial America. But as much as I loved my sojourn to the past, I never was fluent enough in the language and the behavior of the 18^th century to feel I was anything more than an imposter. When visitors came by I tried to remember to say 'tis, 'twill, and 'twas, but I often just motioned that I was unable to speak and deferred to my more expert companions. I was about as Colonial as Harrison Ford in Witness was Amish.
Still, I finished my time at Claude Moore feeling I had a glimpse of the satisfactions of life in 1771: the breadth of one's skills, the self-reliance, the flowing tasks, the working together for a common goal. I am happy my life in 2008 has medicine and modems—and that I don't have to sleep in a loft with my extended family. I do have occasional longings to set up a tobacco stick assembly at my house, but I realize it wouldn't be soothing, because there would be nothing useful about a tobacco stick in the anti-smoking county where I live. I need to find a substitute. As Elizabeth Rolando says, "There is a satisfaction in the accomplishment of the mundane."

Weight Loss Update and more...

2009-01-12T15:09:00.000-08:00

So after going back on my low fat diet a couple months back, I am down 14 pounds! Yay! Keep in mind, I'm still as lazy as ever. I have not started exercising. I know, I know. Exercising is key. But I am feeling better (except the cold) and I think it will be easier on my body to start exercising as a thinner person.

Now I want to praise a product I love. It is the Salad Spritzers. I love those things. No fat (or little fat), and lots of yummy taste. Makes salads worthwhile. I've stayed away from salads because if you want them to taste good you have to smother them in fattening dressing. No more. Salad Spritzers are wonderful. My favorite is the red wine flavor.

Also, Kyle and I are very much looking forward to renewing our vows. I bought my dress at davidsbridal.com for $99 on sale. Whoo hoo! I also found this great website, offbeatbride.com. They have awesome ideas for do-it-yourself and alternative weddings. I am very much leaning towards a Celtic Handfasting. We can conduct it ourselves and have friends and family participate. But we'll see. We are not any closer to a date for this fun party, but after the taxes get done and the return is in the bank, we'll have a better idea.

Also, I watched this amazing documentary last night called The Business of Being Born. I was blown away by it. I had kinda figured if we had a third kid I'd go with a midwife this time anyway, after the fiasco with Andy's birth (if you need an update, just ask). But now I am certain I will. And I might try a natural, at home birth. We'll see. I'm still kind of squeamish. But I really like the idea of having the option.

Ok, so check out those links, especially the one about the movie. So very interesting.

Update!!!!!!!

2008-12-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, so a lot has happened. For starters we decorated for Christmas. Cadence requested a "Nightmare Before Christmas" tree, so we obliged. We stuck to a black, purple, orange, white, and silver color palette. I made paper ornaments that have Jack Skellington on them and I made a paper tree topper of Jack's head. here are some pictures:

We also included our pumpkin lights and garlands from Halloween. I must say it looks awesome. Its my favorite tree so far. We stuck to white lights for the outside of the house and I'm sorry to say I don't have any pictures of that.

Cadence turned four this past Saturday! Four! Can you believe that? She is growing up so fast. She is such an interesting child. Smart, funny, kind, but extremely strong willed and independent. She is very passionate, but she enjoys arguing with her mom too much. We butt heads a lot, so I am not looking forward to the teenage years. Although, I could get lucky and she'll get it all out of her system by then. We'll see. Anyway, the Wednesday before her birthday we went to Disneyland with my best friend, Katie, and our friend, Amanda and her family. Amanda has 2 of the cutest little girls you'll ever meet. Faith is 7 and Riley is 4. Riley and Cadence were glued to each other the whole trip. They were adorable.

And then on her actual birthday, we just did cake and presents with the family who lives here at the compound.

It was a nice birthday for her. She had a lot of fun and it wasn't a big fuss. Next year at 5 we'll do something bigger.

And speaking of 5, Kyle and I are fast approaching our 5th anniversary. Its on Christmas Eve to be exact. In celebration of that, and of everything else that has gone on in our lives recently (I'll get to that in a minute) we've decided to get married again! We are going to have a Vow Renewal Ceremony and Party. I've already asked Katie to be my "maid of honor" and I have no idea who Kyle will pick for his "best man", Cadence will get to be a flower girl and Andy can be a ring bearer. We are looking forward to planning it and celebrating with everyone. It will probably happen sometime within the next few months. We'll keep everyone posted!

Ok, so the biggest thing in our lives recently is that we made the decision to have our names removed from the LDS Church records. This makes us officially non-members. And while we were very excited for this part of our lives, some of Kyle's family is very upset. And understandably so. If you uphold those principles and doctrines, what we have done is horrible. But if you're like us and have found that truth lies outside the confines of any church, then you find the process very liberating and lightening to the soul.
Our biggest reason to proceed this way, as opposed to staying inactive members, was based on the Church's involvement in getting Proposition 8 passed. And yes, I am just as angry at all the organizations involved, I realize that the LDS church was not the only one involved. However, our names were associated with the LDS Church only. That was the group we could do something about, so we did. We were and still are very angry and upset at the passing of Prop 8. But I still have nothing constructive to say to anyone who voted yes. I just see red most of the time. So I will move on from that subject.

So to finish up this monster post I am going to show you a couple of pictures from this morning illustrating the difference between a 4 year-old child and a 17 month-old child. This is what happens when you give them Nutella sandwiches for breakfast:

And there you have it. Bathed in Nutella verses not a speck to be seen. Oh and we topped off the breakfast with Hot Chocolate. YUM!

With Christmas just around the corner....

2008-12-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

I've decided to post an "Ultimate List". The things that will never happen or that I will never get but it can't hurt to put it out there and see if Santa can work his magic.

(Side note: I've yet to post a "political reaction" blog because I am still quite angry and can't find any words that wouldn't offend my mother-in-law to describe how I feel. So I need to get a bit further away from it. Be patient)

Ok here we go!

1. World Peace. I know, its trite. But I hope that the people of the world really could come together and realize that life would be so much more fulfilling if we could all get along.

2. That mothers the world over would not have to put their kids to bed hungry. I really do go to bed every night grateful for the fact that I have a roof over my head and food in my baby's bellies.

3. For people to be better parents. I know a few myself who could really use a tune-up in the "molding our youth" department. How about putting your kid first? Novel idea I know.

4. Since I am going to float back to reality now, how about the FBI updates their freaking sex offender website? Its bad enough I've got 7 within a 2 block radius. Please update the pictures!

5. A Taser C2! No joke. This is a product I can get behind completely. If you know me, you know I'm not a big fan of handguns. But this I could use! I think its a must have as an alternative in protection.
http://www.taser.com/products/consumers/Pages/C2.aspx

6. For the Supreme Court to overturn Prop 8. This one I actually do think will happen. But more on this later.

7. For Kyle to win the lottery. I'm serious. We know so many people who need money (including ourselves) that if we won, we could help so many loved ones.

8. A Sharp - AQUOS 65" Class 1080p 120Hz Flat-Panel LCD HDTV! Its not the sexiest model out there. But its the biggest one of its kind that I could find. Fable 2 on this.....

9. For Kyle to get another wife/girlfriend. I'm only half joking about this. I could really use some help around here....

10. Universal Health Care. I would pay way more taxes and wait (like I don't already) longer if it meant everyone got to see a doctor. Shame on you if you don't feel the same way.

So there is my list. Some of it is feasible. Like the Prop 8 thing, or getting the Taser C2. Hell, even the Universal Health Care is plausible. We shall see. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and remember those less fortunate than us. Peace!

Too Funny, Justin steels Beyonce's thunder

2008-11-17T00:14:00.001-08:00

A word on Prop 8 by Olbermann

2008-11-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

I know its been a long time, but this is what you are going to get for now. This is a video in which Keith Olbermann very eloquently expresses his feeling about Prop 8. I love what he has to say. Please watch.

Its finally feeling like fall...

2008-10-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

I love fall. My birthday is in October so maybe that is why its my favorite month. But I think it would have been anyway. Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday. And I love the cool, crisp autumn air. The smell of apples everywhere and pumpkin sightings, its so much to drink in and I just adore it. Unfortunately for us in Southern California, we HAVE to decorate in order to really start feeling the seasonal change. Most trees don't trasnform before our eyes, and the weather difference means that in the evening you have to take off your flip flops and put on shoes. And maybe put on a sweatshirt. Especially if you are going to the beach.
This autumn is a little different for me. All around me things are changing, so I am feeling it. Cadence is officially (and finally!) potty trained. Andy is walking and off bottles. Two sets of friends have moved out of state. So much change. So this fall, my feeling of anticipation is replaced by one of melancholy. I miss my friends, I miss having a baby around, and I miss my time alone with Kyle since school is back in session.
Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for everything too. Kyle being back in school means he is moving forward with long term goals. And those who moved away, I know its what's best for them. And my kids growing up? Well, it happens and I am glad. But I do miss those winter nights when Cadence was a newborn and we would snuggle is bed with her and watch TV. Or when Andy was about 4 months old around last Christmas, doing the same thing only now with my baby boy and toddler girl.
But time marches on. I am looking forward to dressing my kids up and taking them to the pumpkin festivals. To bundling up for our trips to Disneyland for the holidays and watching the fireworks and catching the "snow" that they drop. Maybe we'll take the kids up to the moutains this winter so I can finally see actual snow.
Anway, here is to the coming seasons and the changes ahead. And to those of you who are now elsewhere, we miss you and good luck!

A View Inside My Brain...

2008-09-04T00:22:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered what it looks and feels like inside someone else's head, heart, and soul. What does it feel like to be someone else? I have not wondered this in a longing way, wishing deeply to be someone else, but rather for curiosity's sake. Do other people think the way I do? I am different in some way? Or are there others like me in the world, people who are concerned with more than just themselves? Living so close to Los Angeles, you begin to feel like self-involvement is standard human fare and that no one cares for anyone other than him or herself.

Just once I would like to know, truly know, what motivates another person. Why would a young man, fully capable of taking care of himself and more, give up his 2 kids to help a girl he barely knows who is pregnant by someone else, but he can't hold down a job or treat others with respect? Why would a women come back to a guy who treated her like crap after successfully severing her life from his and have a baby with him? Why would a man who claims that family is the most important thing to him, treat said family like dirt under his feet after they have gone out of their way to help him?

I am continually amazed at the lack of thought that goes into peoples decisions, especially concerning their kids. Why is it me, me, me? I know I make selfish decisions at times. But it mainly consists of giving the kids hot dogs instead of PB&J because its easier to clean up, NOT I'll leave my kid in the back of the car in 100 degree heat while I run in and make my drug deal. I have hard times just like everybody else. There are definitely mornings when I don't want to get up because I'm sad, or tired, or sick but I've got 2 innocent, little kids who depend on me to get my A-S-S out of bed and take care of them. Not yell at them to go back to sleep and leave mommy alone.

So, this is the way my brain works. On occasion I put myself first, but only when I know my kids are well cared for by someone I trust. Otherwise I am the last person on my priorities list. My kids, my husband, my extended family, my friends all come before me. In that order as a matter of fact.

I treat others the way I would like to be treated. I am courteous, kind, forgiving, and I try very hard to not judge too harshly. I know I come across kind of *itchy sometimes, but that's mostly me trying to be funny. And I truly do think that everyone is equal. Even people labeled "evil". They are no less a creation of our higher power than I am. Therefore they are just as important.

I subscribe to no set religion. I have found it too confining to my spirituality. There are too many possibilities, too many unexplained things, and too many wonders. But I do believe in a higher power of some sort. And there is something after this life, but again too many possibilities for me to set a definite.

On the weekends when we hang out with friends and leave the kids with my parents, I do love a good cocktail. I'm sorry if that offends some. I like that slightly fuzzy feeling I get after one strong or 2 weak drinks that helps my body to relax and give up the stress I have been building up all week. Some people do hard drugs, some people take a pill, some people exercise, I like to have a drink on the weekend. I never get drunk, just relaxed. Some habits are better than others, but mine works for me for now.

I am always open to change. If you know my life, you know I am not a very routine person anyway. That will have to change as Cadence is fast approaching school age, but for now, I enjoy the luxury of my lifestyle. Again, what is best for the kids comes first.

I really do want the best for everyone around me. And I do believe that good people are still the norm. I know its hard to believe after everything I wrote, but its true. Most people you come in contact with on a daily basis are good people. And even if they do something you consider offensive or stupid, they didn't really mean to.

Anyway, that's what's inside my brain right now. Also, I really hope this elections goes well for the Liberals. That Palin lady scares the crap out of me. And McCain? Yuck.

Wow, life gets busy

2008-08-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, sorry its been so long since I have posted anything. Quick update. Andrew is in fact one year old now. Getting closer to walking and he babbles incessantly. He has made good use of "mama" and "dada". He's getting so big. And those dimples are killer!
Cadence is still not potty trained. We've tried a couple more things that people have suggested but, the battle for control rages on. However, she has gotten really good about cleaning up after herself when asked to. She is apologizing without being asked to, and overall is listening better. And for anyone with a 3 year old, you know that is a miracle. She talks all the time! Literally. You have to ask her to leave you alone. And don't even think of having a conversation that doesn't include her, because she has an opinon about everything! Oy, she'll be fun as a teenager.....
Here in California, we recently had an earthquake (yes, I am late to the "blogging about the earthquake" game). Nothing crazy, a 5.4. But I had Cadence sitting on the potty when it hit. So she and I ran through my parent's house with her half naked from the waist down. Lovely. My mom found my nephew in the Pack 'N Play with Andy (I had put him down for a nap), and they were giggling like they were on a ride at Disneyland. Too young to be afraid. She grabbed them and met us in the hallway and by the time we were ready to find "safety", it was over. And that was it for us, we didn't feel any of the aftershocks. Cadence however became slightly obsessed with what had happened and kept asking question after question. So I got online and pulled up some animations of earthquake things and she watched them over and over. She still asks to get on the computer and watch "the shaky things for the earthquake". Oh, and Andy doesn't care about them at all.
Kyle is getting ready to start another quarter at school (he took the summer off) and his job is going well. His birthday is coming up soon here and he is going to be turning 30. 3o! When did this happen? He was 24 when we met. Has that much time gone by? I guess it has. So, here he comes 30!
As for me, my 27th is in October (nothing real exciting) but I am hoping to take off to Vegas with my BFF Katie for a weekend. Its not only to celebrate my birthday, but to mark our 15 years in style. Should be fun if we can pull it together. Other than that, life is just busy with kids, friends, and family. I wish I had more time and money for certain friends who live far (Tom and Cindy, Ender and Kim we miss you!). But we are trying to get that together as well. I can't imagine what life is going to be like when my kids actually start doing activities and school. I'm scared....

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll try to post more often. And of anyone has any other potty training ideas, please let me know! Thanks!

Almost 1 year old

2008-07-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

My baby, Andrew, is leaving babyhood. He will be a year old on July 24th. I can't believe it's been a whole year. So much happens in that first year. He is getting ready to take those first steps away from the furniture, he says "mama" and "dada". He points at stuff and laughs. He has so much personality, it amazing. So in honor of my sonny-son, I offer up a small picture chronicle of his first year. Enjoy!

This is me in the hospital waiting to birth my baby! This was before all the fireworks got started. By the way, I love Epidurals. I highly recommend them.

This is what will become my beautiful boy. Here he is all squished because they made me roll over and hold him in until the doctor could get there. The underestimated me when I said the baby was coming.

Daddy and his new baby boy. We already had the name Andrew Letterman picked out. Letterman is Kyle's middle name because it was his mom's maiden name. Cadence has my middle name. So it worked out nicely.

Cadence and her new brother. Doesn't she looked thrilled?

Proud Mama. Giving birth my both my kids is really the most incredible thing I've ever done.

When we got home, I caught his smiling with my camera phone. A rare treasure at that age!

Asleep on my shoulder. What an angel. By the way, that's false advertising.

Finally and moment's peace with both my kids. Bedtime anyone?

These 2 were from he same day, look at those cheeks!

Never, ever, ever wake a sleeping baby. Especially when they are deep in thought.

These 2 show his personality already coming out.

He really does love his sister.

Happy Boy!

What a silly face

He looked so squat.

He still falls asleep in his bouncer. His favorite nap time spot.

I got these 2 with my new camera. This was before he started crawling.

His first Oreo courtesy of Grandma Marsilio

Playing in Grandma's front yard.

From the Foutz park trip. Cute boy!

And finally his most recent. Look at that face! Blue eyes and deep dimples, the girls are going to be swooning! I better get myself ready.

So that it in a nutshell. I no longer have a baby. And he's most likely going to be my last as I HATE being pregnant. So to Andrew Letterman Foutz, on your almost 1st birthday, I love you my boy. I can't wait to see you grow into a man. But I will and I'll enjoy the ride, just don't make it too rough on your Mama, please?

Modern Day Piracy

2008-07-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be a pirate in this day and age? What does one have to do? Evidently, today's pirates are more techno-savvy than their counterparts of old. Pirating today mean music, movies, and video games.
I know that there are still pirates out at sea too. They pillage and plunder the good old fashioned way (although I do think the violation of wenches has falling to the wayside, which frankly is a practice that could use some reviving). However, instead of stealing food, spices, and treasure, they now take electronics, military grade weapons, and well ok, they still take treasure.
But back to my techno-savvy pirates. We have begun to hangout more with the Dtoid LA crew "gamers", one of our new friends said to me, "I need to teach you guys how to pirate". That got me thinking, how do I feel about that?
On one hand, we spend plenty of money on all of the above mention media that is all way too over-priced and maybe pirating one or two things isn't so bad. On the other hand, its stealing which is always bad and two wrongs don't make a right.
Plus, if I start to pirate, I'll have to start wearing that eye patch thingy and talking weird, and that could be really uncomfortable for everyone. However, I could gain access to all sorts of electronic treasure which would be awesome since I don't have tons of money.
Maybe I'll compromise and just wear the sexy outfits, keep my pillaging in my bedroom and only play stuff that people send to me.
On a side note: Pirates and ninjas have been "enemies" for some time now. Although I have to say that Kyle and I try to unite the two worlds. Kyle leans more towards the ninja lifestyle, while I have always identified with pirates. Pirates are just sexier I think. There is that primal sort of appeal where they just take what they want. Ninjas just assassinate everything they come across, what fun is that?

The sweetest thing I've seen in awhile....

2008-06-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I am posting a story I read online tonight. It is honestly one of the cutest things I've ever seen.

My Dog Has a Crush on My Ram:A love story.

By Jon Katz Posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008, at 6:55 AM ET

I cleared my throat and adopted my most paternal voice. "Lenore," I said, "This isn't going to work.
"You're so young. You know nothing of love or the ways of older men. He is far more experienced, a father several times over. You'll both be ostracized. It's a mistake.
"He has different habits and needs. You come from your own tradition, with its own expectations. I'm not sure you're compatible. He's not just unlike you: He's a completely different species."

Lenore, my black Labrador puppy, looked at me so balefully that I already knew it was hopeless. I have instincts; I have feelings, her dark eyes seemed to reply. I can't just turn them off.
As Woody Allen once said in a different context, "The heart wants what it wants."
Though I've lived for some years with sheep, cows, steers, goats, barn cats, chickens—and dogs—on a farm in upstate New York, I'd never encountered a situation where animals of different species have fallen in love, or even had much of a friendship.

But here it is: Lenore, a highly affectionate creature, is utterly smitten with Brutus, one of my three wethers (or neutered rams).
When it's warm out, I take my flock of sheep to graze in the grassy meadow at the top of the hill twice a day, assisted by my workaholic, extremely businesslike border collie Rose. Rose does not love sheep and pushes them around rather contemptuously but efficiently.
A month ago, I began bringing Lenore along. She's not a herder, but she's good company; my farm is a happier place since she joined our little band nine months ago. She lights up every space she inhabits.
Then, one morning, I looked up from my book in the pasture and couldn't see the puppy. I glanced around and was surprised to see her in a corner of the field, nose-to-nose with the grazing, affable Brutus.
I ran over, alarmed; at 175 pounds, he weighs more than twice as much as she does. But the two of them seemed quite at ease together, oblivious to me.
Rose came loping over warily to investigate and clearly disapproved. She looked agitated, almost revolted; she'd never seen anything like it. A dog hanging out with a sheep? She tried to hustle Brutus back into the flock. He wouldn't leave Lenore. Rose seemed flustered by this disobedience. It had never happened before. I called her back.
Each day, the pair seems more companionable. Lenore looks for Brutus, and when she finds him, she sometimes challenges him to romp, occasionally rolling over and flirtatiously showing her belly. She isn't above giving his nose or ear a lick. Some days, they just graze side by side, Lenore also chomping down the grass.
I feared that Rose, unaccustomed to such insubordination, might have a nervous breakdown. I imagined her leaving me a letter announcing that she was resigning and going to work for a real farmer, then striding off with her briefcase. Rose does not, apparently, believe in interspecies love; it offends her ideas of order.

Like Rose, I'd never seen anything resembling this relationship between a joyous, loving dog and a steady but undemonstrative ram. I couldn't fathom Lenore's attraction: She'd been spayed a few months earlier. And Brutus' behavior was even more incomprehensible. Sheep are flocking animals, which is why dogs can move them in and out of a pasture or a pen. They don't go off on their own and form relationships with other species; they barely seem to differentiate among their fellow sheep. (Although now that I think about it, Brutus was close to his mother.) It is downright unsheeplike to leave the flock and stand nose-to-nose with a dog for long periods. In fact, sheep are so incurious that you hardly ever see them do much but sleep and eat.
I can understand where Brutus is coming from, though. I'm wild about Lenore, ridiculously cute as a puppy, beautiful as a young female, with a heart as big as her appetite. I call her the Hound of Love. In the pasture, I sing to her, songs by Emmy Lou Harris, "Amazing Grace" the way Aretha Franklin sings it (well, kind of), Eva Cassidy's wrenching version of "Love Hurts." Lenore even sleeps with me, for heaven's sake.
Now she seems to prefer Brutus. The two of them are always together. She cleans his ear, he noses her or butts her gently. It's something to see.
I called an animal behaviorist I knew at the Cornell veterinary school and told him the story. He just laughed and said he had to get to a meeting. "Wait," I insisted. "What's going on between my dog and my ram?"
"Can't imagine," he chuckled, before hanging up.

At moments like this, I'm glad I'm a photographer, because people might not believe this stuff. But I have pictures. I get a lot of e-mail on my Web site, but I've rarely gotten as much as when I posted photographic evidence of Lenore's love affair with Brutus.
People sent me poems and song lyrics, gushy awwws, and cautions about sex.
"Please, please don't separate them," Heather e-mailed from London when I joked that I was considering imposing a strict curfew. "They belong together. Give them a chance to work it out."
"Obviously, Brutus is unhappy and lonely," wrote a farmer from Nebraska. "Make sure to give them support. Nothing wrong with it."
Other people fretted about Rose. Could she handle this? Would she be damaged in some way?
I was a bit worried about Rose myself. The world had turned upside down for her and no longer worked in comprehensible ways. She glowered at the couple.
So, I took Lenore aside, issued heartfelt cautions. "The other sheep will turn on Brutus," I warned. "Rose doesn't approve. Life is hard enough. It has to end badly."
But animals are nothing if not adaptable. After a week or two, Rose simply seemed to stop noticing the odd couple and concentrated on moving the rest of the flock around. Lenore and Brutus became invisible to her.
This is the new normal. This morning, the sheep trotted into the meadow to graze, and Brutus chomped for a few minutes, then sauntered right past Rose and over to where Lenore and I were sitting. He lowered his head to the ground.
Lenore whined, wagged her tail, rolled over on her back, then righted herself and licked the big guy right on his fuzzy nose.
This relationship can't go anywhere, for obvious reasons. Love does hurt. But sometimes, it's nice while it lasts.

Negligence

2008-06-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

My poor blog. I was so good to you for a while. But as you've learned, I'm easily distracted. Distracted by other webpages (sorry for cheating), distracted by iTunes, distracted by my kids, distracted by life in general.
So I guess I better let you know how life is going, blog. Since I've been "unavailable", there have been parties, outings with the kids, and a trip to Disneyland. Andy is also getting ready to walk, so I am constantly on edge that he is going to fall and crack open his head or chin.
He'll be one soon. I can believe that. He is such a big boy. Katie and I got to go see our friend Whitney's new baby and I kept thinking wasn't Andy just this size? My baby is growing up. He is learning to mess with the older kids, so that is fun to watch. He likes to go over and take a toy they have been playing with. Then he mimics how they were playing with it. I love it!
Cadence, of course, has no tolerance for toy stealing, moving around, getting into her business little people. As much as she loves her brother, she much preferred the days where he would just sit there and laugh at her antics. And always the little mom, she tries to discipline the other kids. Unfortunately, she learned her tactics from me and I spank. So now she go around spanking the other kids. Time to try more of a "time out" method with her I think.
More children you ask? "Hell no" is my current answer. I was apprehensive about visiting Whitney and baby Van, mainly because I was worried it would cause me to have that yearning. But surprisingly enough, I did not have that feeling. I really don't think I want more. I hate being pregnant (Kyle hates me being pregnant because of how much I hate it), and I don't really care for the newborn/infant stage where they are attached to you 24/7. Plus, I like sleeping through the night. Although in this heat, that is a laughable thought.
The heat? You want to know about the heat? Well....its hot! Freakin' heck, we don't have air in our house and it has been getting triple digits. And its only June! I think I hate people with central air. Strike that, I love them. So much so that I want to move in with one. Anyone want an adorable family of four as roommates?
How are Kyle and I? So very good. More in love everyday. I am normally not the mushy one (that's his job), but I really got lucky with my husband. He loves me despite my ever growing backside, despite my pension for yelling, and despite my addiction to sleep. He go out of his way to make sure I am happy, so I try really hard to do the same. We talk about everything, and I think we are getting pretty good at realizing when we are wrong and fessing up to it. (Ok, that was mainly my problem). But anyway, things are good.
I have great friends too. Katie and I are spending a good amount of time together, although now that her man just moved to town and in with her, I may see her a little less during the initial "Honeymoon" phase. But I am just glad she is happy and found someone to make her even more so. She deserves it. 15 years that girl has been a part of my life. I still can't believe it sometimes. I am one lucky girl!
Anyway, that's the gist of things. I know there is probably more I am forgetting, but I just wanted to give you an idea of what life is like when I am neglecting you, blog. I am truly sorry and I hope that I can be more attentive. Hopefully, you'll forgive me.

I'm gonna switch it up today....

2008-06-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

If you know me you know I'm Liberal. And since the gay marriages started today in California, you're guessing that's what I'm gonna blog about. Well not so, although I am very happy about that.
No today is all about my friends, Tom and Cindy. Now I don't know if either of them read this, but if they do I apologize in advance if you cry.
Tom and Cindy want a baby. They have been trying almost their whole marriage (6 years now) to get pregnant. The first time I got pregnant we were trying not to, and at that point they had been trying for a year or so. It was hard to tell them, but I was confident they weren't far behind. The second time I got pregnant was after some reproductive problems of my own were solved and we were trying. Telling them we were pregnant again was unbelievably hard, though I am sure it was harder to hear.
The thing I am writing about today is how unfair life can be. Tom and Cindy would make wonderful parents (if you know a baby in need of just that, let me know). My brother has 2 kids although he has custody of neither. He is now dating a girl who is (barely) 18 and pregnant by someone else. What I want to know is how this happened. How is it that my amazing, well adjusted, financial stable, loving friends can't have a baby but my dumbass brother can have 2 that he barely has a relationship with? Mind you neither mother is extremely involved either. His daughter's gaurdians are her maternal great-grandparents and his son is with my parents and my sister. I just can't see what the "reason" is behind all this.
Its times like these that make me want to punch people who say "there is a reason for everything" in the face. There is no reason for this situation. The only people who pay in this case are the kids. And they didn't so a damn thing to deserve it. So reason has nothing to do with it. Its just a messed up world. And it makes me angry.
I hope it gets better.

Pictures from the Foutz Park Trip

2008-06-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

We were supposed to go on a hike up in Monrovia, but the trails were all full and they turned us away. *Tear* Not really, if you know me you know that hiking is not one of my finer abilities. But taking pictures of everyone playing at the park? That I can do. So here are some of the better ones.

Andy playing in the dirt like a big boy.

Everyone playing on the sideways tree.

Auntie Kristi helping Cadence.

Andy crawling toward the tree.

Uncle Jason, Cadence and Auntie Kristi.

Uncle Luis, Cadence being helped by Uncle Jason.

By far, my favorite picture of Auntie Kristi and Andy.

Trying to get the kids ready for a group picture.

Our first attempt.

Our last attempt.

Me and Andy.

Cadence chilling on the tree. Communing with nature, man.

Beautiful face.

That is a "Kyle Expression" on Andy's face.

All that green...

Looking at a mushroom on the ground.

Sunlight in the trees.

Auntie Kim, Uncle Kevin, and Uncle Jason.

Baby Isaac walking around, when did this happen?

Just 2 buddies walking around.

Sometimes we're not sure what he is so serious about.

So, that was our trip to the Arcadia Park. It was a lot of fun, and really crazy. Cadence and I even got to converse with a squirrel who let us get really close. She thought that was amazing. Maybe the next time Kristi and Jason are here we'll do the hike.

Also, update on Andy: he is pulling himself up on stuff. Ugh, here comes the face plants!

A day of firsts.

2008-05-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

So, my sister, my husband, and I decided to take the kids to the Aquarium of the Pacific a couple of days ago. Andrew has never been, and he really like the aquarium screensaver my dad has. So, we thought he might really enjoy it. The older kids have all been (we had passes last year) and Cadence has been bugging to go back. So, Kyle took the day off work and on our way we went.

Laura and the "older" kids at the touch pool.

From the back, that's a shadow on my sister's shirt.

At the large shark pool. This is where Cadence started to complain about all the people.

The girls in front of the large indoor exhibit. Its 2 stories high.

Andy doesn't actually seem all that impressed, despite the fact that he could fit inside most of these fish.

Normally the kids are in love with the Seals and Sea Lions. Just too busy today.

Again, Andy is unimpressed.

The girls wanted to hold hands, so cute.

Andy is so cool he sports a MoHawk.

The Aquarium was so busy with field trips that our kids kept getting kicked out of the way. I was so angry I went to customer service and got us tickets to come back on a day that wasn't so busy. We got the hell out of there and thankfully the kids all fell asleep on the way home.

Later on that evening, Andy had a second "first". He enjoyed his first Oreo. Curtesy of my mother. What are grandmas for? He loved it so much and was not giving it up for nothing.

He made such a mess, but it was adorable. He's getting so big. And I'm glad too. I love babies, but I think I love my sleep more.

Cadence I think was feeling a little neglected, because she came over and demanded pictures too.

Here she has a monkey wrapped around her neck. Silly girl.

Look at how long her hair is getting. Craziness!

I like my house.

2008-05-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so not so much the physical house. The toilet needs replacing (happening soon, yay!), the electrical upgrades definately need to be done (if you run the washer and microwave together, everything shorts), and its in El Monte. Which is fine, except I don't speak Spanish (I should learn though) so it makes it hard to live here.
But I do love the way my house feels. You walk in and instantly know that you are welcome. Its not too clean, but its definatly not dirty. There are kids toys strewn about and the faint smell of food in the air. The room is centered around our video game set-up. "Come in, sit down, watch TV, play a video game, and have a snack." That is what my house says.
I have always wanted to be better at decorating my house. But I am not. We don't have tons of artwork up, mostly pictures of family and friends. Our house really reflects what our lives are all about. I am just glad that I don't have one of those houses where you walk in and are afraid to touch anything for fear you"ll mess it up. I've been in those houses, and you never really feel welcome.
You can see it when our guests come in and immediatly plop themselves down on the couch. Or they go in th kitchen to find a snack or drink. "Help yourself" is the motto around here. So while I continue to dream of a place that I can make all the paint, flooring, and accessories decisions; I will live in and make as welcoming the place I am at now. Come and join us, won't you?

Are you as lame as me?

2008-05-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, as I embark on the journey of this post I understand completely that I am about to expose my uber-lameness to you all, but I do so hoping you won't judge me too harshly.

So I have my list of Celebrity crushes. We all have them. My problem is that when I learn something new about one, it can move them up or down my list. Or bump them off completely. Like when I learned that Vincent D'Onofrio was born the month before my mom, he went down a few pegs.

So my recent #1 has been Danny Masterson a.k.a Steven Hyde from That 70's Show. However I learned a depressing thing today. He is a hardcore Scientologist. That makes him so weird to me. I get that its Hollywood and that its the "religion du jour" but I can't help but being weirded out by it. Aliens, seriously? But to each their own. It just bumps Zach Braff back up to #1. Which, by the way, makes him a very lucky man. Because who wouldn't want an overweight, married, mother of 2 as your lover?

Oh that's right, Kyle! I guess he is my #1, although technically he's not a celebrity.

So here are the current standings:

#1 Zach Braff #2 Vincent D'Onofrio (I don't care how old he is) #3 Danny Masterson (he's too cute not to have on here) #4 Colin Firth (I know he's a lot older too) #5 Heather Graham (it's a fun thing, she is too cool for words) #6 Seth Rogan (I love his crass sense of humor) #7 Alton Brown (the man can cook!) #8 Keira Knightley (that makes 2 girls on my list, deal with it.) #9 Alan Rickman (but mostly as Snape, you know what I'm talking about Kristi)
#10 Sully Erna from GodSmack (I can't help it, he's Italian and COVERED in tattoos, its too hot!)

What does your list look like? I know you all have one, so don't try to hide it. Does anyone else get sad when you learn crap like that? Or is that a psychosis all my own?

Beware my gushy poetry!

2008-05-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

Gently through the open window cool air and moonlight waft in.
Easily your name slips from my lips as a petal does from a rose.
Quietly you appear in the doorway, "It's been a hard day." I say.
Wordlessly you enter the room and sit at the end of the bed.
Lovingly you encase my foot with both of your strong hands.
Slowly relaxation makes its way throughout my entire body.
Tenderly I gaze at you for in this simple moment, my heart fills.
Adoringly my words find you, "I love you and I always will."
Unfailingly you respond, "I love you too."

Wow it has been way too long...

2008-05-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

Family and friends. That is what our lives revolve around. I like that my life no longer centers around me. When I was a teenager everything in my life was about me (or so I thought). I wasn't a particularly selfish teen compared to others, but I was still a teenager. Now when a "high school" moment arrives, I brush it off and move on. Mainly because I don't have time to focus on it. I have two kids who depend on me for their care. I have a husband who depends on me to help carry our family. I have an extended family who relies on me for various things. And then there are the friends. People I choose to have in my life. Some of my family qualifies for this catagory as well. I love them all. They are the ones who I keep because I want to. Some I see more than others, and that's very okay. Some I miss terribly when it has been too long. Overall, the people in my life are awesome.
What sucks though is when restrictions are put on my relationships. I am told that I can't talk about particular subject, only to discover that this subject is not taboo for everyone, just me. Because mine is the opinion that offends. Well, I got news for you, if you don't want to hear about my side of it, I don't want to hear yours. I had to wonder how much I am considered a friend if you don't want to know about a part of my life that is so incredibly important. But whatever, as usual you get your way with things. It just hurts to know that nothing has changed, and that your original stance is the one you really feel is true. It was so apparent. But I guess since the "fault" is mine, what should I expect right? I am just suffering my "consequences".

I really do appreciate everyone's "concern" for our "situation". But really we are fine, our family has never been better. Despite what some people think, being an "active member of the church" does not define happiness for everyone. Especially for us. I know that there are questions that are on everyone's minds as to what my (I can't speak for Kyle here, although he does share some of my views) problems with the church are. So, here are a couple of big ones.
#1. Homosexuality. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I think God created people that way, so why would he deny them everything hetro people are "entitled" to. The same goes for transgender, transexual, bisexual, drag queens, cross dressers, and anything else I haven't thought of that includes consenting adults.
#2. The roles of women. A friend of mine when confronted with this problem of mine actually responded by saying "Donna, I continue to be impressed with the rights women have in the church." Ok, that is a statement that relays a problem. Like it or not, doctrine is that women are subject to the preisthood of the men. Men can have many wives in the afterlife, but it is not an option for a woman to be Sealed to more than one man for all Eternity. I have a problem with that inequality.
#3. For a religion that is "Family First" based, they keep you so unbelievably busy with commitees and groups that they have to actually schedule a "Family Home Evening". That is the one night a week where you are all scheduled to be together for spiritual teaching and a fun activity. When I was a child, we spend every night together eating dinner, singing songs (both my parents played guitar), reading books, watching TV and talking. Most of the families I am familiar with now don't have that because one or both parents have a meeting to be at, or the kids have a church thing too.
#4. Status. Now this is not a doctrine thing and may not be true in all wards. But in my experience there is always a "status" among the members. Who has the best calling, who volunteers the most time, who supplies the most food/decorations/whatever for events, who isn't taking the sacrament, who doesn't have a Temple recommend, things like that.

These are just a few of the things that bother me. Now, it doesn't make the people involved bad people. In fact quite the opposite. Most of them (as is true for the population in general) are good, hard working, loving, compassionate people. Kyle's family, and my friends are examples of this. And I don't despise the religion either. There are a lot of good things about it too. For me personally, the things I didn't like just started to become more important. And I didn't want to raise my children in a religion I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with. And for those of you who are worried about the "foundation" my children will be raised with, remember this: I was NOT raised in a religion. And if you like me that is something to think about.

A New Favorite

2008-04-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever listened to someone's music and thought, "That's exactly what I've wanted to say to _____" or "I feel that way too"? This girl's name is Alison Sudol and she is so good. She calls herself A Fine Frenzy. The emotion in her music is so amazing. I love her melodies and piano work. I love listening to her songs over and over. You may have heard her song "Almost Lover" on the radio. This is her MySpace, you should all check it out:
http://www.myspace.com/afinefrenzy

Delicious!

Katie's Birthday.

2008-04-20T00:12:00.001-07:00

This hot girl is Katie. She is my best friend (besides Kyle). She has been my best friend since we were 12. We met the first day of 7th grade and have been besties ever since.

On April 16 she had a birthday. She turned 27. This September will make 15 years since we met. We have been through so much. The ups and downs of Junior High and High School. Our first year of college where she moved up to Fresno to go to school. Troubles with boys, drama with other friends, working our first jobs. Then engagements, my marriage and children. Through out it all, she was there for me. Even in high school when we had a stupid falling out (my fault), I knew if I really needed something I could always call her. Thank goodness I came to my senses.

We spent our four years of high school in show choir together. So many good times. Most of the best times were spent hanging out at one of our houses talking, watching TV or movies. Just being friends. We talk about everything. We are so different and yet have so much in common. And I just want to say thank you to her. Thank you for all the good and bad times. Thank you for always being there. And thank you for being the one person outside of my family who will always stick with me. I hope you know I will always be here for you. I love you sweetie! Here's to another 15 years and so many more!

Update on our Princess trunk.

2008-04-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

We have upgraded! Target, bless their hearts, had the "Starring Me" line of Princess dresses on clearance (one of my favorite words) for $5 each. Now, normally they are $20 each. So we cleaned them out. We are now the proud owners of 8 dresses. Plus, I think I am going to go check out other Targets to see what they have in stock. $5! Can you believe that? Cadence is in love. She loves dress up. Such a girlie girl. But, she will punch and bite and kick if you piss her off. So she is one skinny white girl you don't want to mess with.
On the weight loss front, I am not sure how much, if any, weight I have lost, but I am still avoiding soda. The eating healthier was going well, but then my dad gave us all cotton candy. My BS justification is that is was fat free. Nevermind that its pure sugar. But hopefully its working. I just need to be more regularly active. My walking has been too sporatic. That's my next goal, to excercise everyday. So here's to meeting new goals!
Oh, and thank you to Kristi, Jason, Kim, Luis, and Isaac for dinner last night! That was so much fun. We really need to do that more often. Yay for good times and awesome family.

Attack of the Dress-Up Kit

2008-04-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

So Cadence has a trunk filled with princess dress up stuff. A few skirts and tops, a set of fairie wings, a wand, a couple of tiaras, and 2 pairs of those plastic, clicky-clacky heels that we all had as young girls to help us feel more grown up (although never in my life have I seen a "grown-up" wearing anything resembling these shoes). Today, she and her cousin Brianna, decided to dress-up. And this is the look Cadence chose: Not sure why she thought this looked good, but she was in love with that bow on the front of her head. Note: the bow is in front of a tiara with an attached veil. Like some sort of demented bride...

This is what Brianna chose, a more classic Fairie Princess look.

She did however, go around trying to stomp on things with her "heels". Not very princessie if you ask me.

Here they are being cute.

Attack of the 50 Foot Princesses!

And for your viewing pleasure, a new picture of me:

Yes, that is MySpace behind me. Sorry, I am a multi-websiter. Deal with it!

Also, I am still off soda and we have been walking more. Not today because we had all four kids and the stroller to kid to hands ratio was off. Tomorrow!

Amanda's Birthday

2008-04-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

On Friday night we all went out to celebrate Amanda's birthday. It was a "Ladies Night" so no men allowed! I got to leave the kids with Kyle and go out with the girls. Yay! We went to this Teppenyaki restaurant in La Verne called Miyabi's. Very yummy. It was a fun and load evening and I just want to share some pictures.

This is the birthday girl. Looking hot as ever!

Our side of the table as we were getting hungry.

Our chef, he had some strange glasses on.

Amanda opening her presents, look at her rocking those nails.

Katie and me, this girl is the best friend anyone could ask for.

Group photo!

Whew, a whole week.

2008-04-06T23:05:00.001-07:00

Sorry guys! Ok, you know the drill, time to report. I have completely given up soda! It has been more than a week since I have had any soda to drink. I did have a rootbeer float (shared with Kyle) for desert today, but I count that as ice cream, not beverage. So doing well on that front. Definatly been eating healthier, just need to get my portions down. Exercising has begun too. Walking so far, hoping to bust out my Windsor Pilates DVD soon. After all that you know what I weigh? A pound and a half more! My best friend, Katie, says its just water weight. Since I am drinking more water, my body is readjusting to absorb it, or something like that. Anyway, so that's how it goes!

Now, Easter. It was fun. The kids got dress up and did an Easter Egg hunt at my Grandma's house. My cousin came down with her husband, step-daughter and daughter. Good food and good times!

A couple days after Easter, my sister Laura, and I took the kids to the Santa Ana Zoo. Didn't know that Santa Ana had a zoo? Neither did we! Laura had to go do a project there for one of her anthropology classes, that's how we found out about it. Its not very big, but it is pretty cool. I got some pictures of the kids enjoying the animals.

There were a couple that really caught my eye too. But for different reasons. First of there was this monkey: This monkey, ah, excuse me, tamarin is called the Emperor Tamarin. And let me tell you they are awesome. Why, you ask? For the simple reason that they rock the Fu Manchu. You gotta love an animal with style.

Then there was this bird, which I have already forgotten the name of:
Ok its hard to see here, but this bird has red eyes. RED eyes! People must have thought this bird was possesed by the devil when they first came across it. It did look at me like it wanted to take control of my soul....

Top the trip off with some beautiful scenery and it was an awesome visit.

Also, there is a play area complete with slide and stuff so the kids can play while you relax with something yummy from the snack stand. All around a place that we think we will visit again.

Too long, I know...

2008-04-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

First off I'd like to report on my weight loss. I don't know if I have lost any yet, but I am feeling a little clearer. I have not been successful in giving up soda altogether, but I've only have a little bit here and there. Trying to eat healthier and thanks to my dad, having a nicely size Klondike Bar when I have an ice cream craving. So there is progress being made. However, I did go try on bathing suits yesterday and definatly did NOT like the look of things. Just a mental image to keep me on track I guess. And at some point here I am going to go see how much it is to join my local Curves. So that's where I am at.

On another note, sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I have Easter and zoo pictures I want to post, but I haven't been at home and that is where they are loaded. Why haven't I been home you ask? Because I have been staying at my mom and dad's to help out with my nephew. Plus, it saves on gas. Once everything is sorted with my nephew, I will post the whole ordeal. Until then, not.

Also, Andrew is almost crawling. He has been commandoing for some time now, but finally has gotten up on his hands and knees. He rocks back and forth, then gets frustrated. Its so cute. I can't believe how big he is getting!

And in sucky news, Kyle's car broke down today and is in the shop. Yuck. I hate car repairs. They cost so much and you are never sure if they really took. But its the way it goes. One of the evils of living in California is needing a car for each driver. Which is why there is so much traffic and so many stupid drivers. Sometimes, I hate it here. Like when I'm stuck on the 10.

My big fat a....

2008-03-25T01:48:00.000-07:00

I have gotten way too fat. I am going to post my weight because I have hit a point where I need some negative reinforcement. So, here goes....263lbs! I am a "fattie" for sure. How has it gotten this bad you ask? Well, I am lazy. I love to eat what I want when I want and I hate to exercise. I mean I know that describes everyone, but I am really bad in this department. This is where I indulge myself. As a mother of 2 I don't get tons of time to myself. So when I have nothing to do, I eat and watch TV. My stupid sense of control. But I have decided to give it up. I really want to get healthier. So I am going to stop drinking soda, start eating better, and occasionally (ok, more than) get up off my butt to move. So, if it gets to be a couple of days and I haven't posted anything about my battle for a healthier life, call me on it. Email me or call me, whatever. I am hoping this helps to motivate me. Ugh here goes...

Sometimes I think to myself...

2008-03-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with the world today? People need to lighten up. Get laid, drink a beer, smoke a joint, whatever. I really don't care what you are doing as long as it doesn't adversely affect anyone else. And no, I don't count second hand smoke as harmful. I live in Southern California, the air outside is worse than cigarette smoke. Seriously, the sky is brown most of the time. Yuck.
Why does everyone care what anyone else is doing? Sure, if there are human right violations involved, I'd like to be the first one there to help. But other than that, what difference does it make if someone is gay and wants to get married? Because your God says its bad? Well guess what? The God I believe it doesn't care, as long as they are good people who love each other and are committed to bettering their lives together. Having a beer? As long as you don't become addicted and let it ruin your life, I couldn't give a rat's ass (pardon my french) about it. In fact give me one, I've had a long day. Things things are not harmful to society and humanity. You want to know what is? I give you a few to pick from:
~Murder
~Rape
~Kidnapping
~Pedophilia
~Assault
~Abuse of any kind
~Addiction
~Stealing
~Greed
~Poverty
~World Hunger
~War
~Slavery (yes it still exists)
~Human Trafficking
~Child Labor
~Genocide
These are the things that really matter. Marijuana? Not high on my Prosecution list. In fact not on it at all. And actually any kind of drugs. Legalize them and then we can regulate and tax them. Yay! More money for the "War on Terror". Prostitution? Again, if you legalize it we can regulate it. Less disease, rape, and murder. Poligamy? Again, I don't care, as long as everyone is consenting. And if it was legal you wouldn't have these strange little compounds forming where we can't penetrate them and unspeakable crimes are being committed against women and children. Open your mind to the idea that it is ok for people to be different from you. It's not scary and no one is going to take your place in society. If everyone really would treat each other the way they themselves would wish to be treated, the world would be a wonderful place. A girl can dream can't she?
And for those who don't know, Kyle and I are no longer attending church. It was a decision we came to after a lot of thought and prayer. It is no longer the right place for us and we've decided to try life without it. Funny thing? We are happier than we have ever been. We are still very spiritual and are enjoying the ride of exploration together. I am in no way putting down anyone who continues in a religion. I think they can be wonderful if they are a positive force in your life and make you a happier, better person. Our was not doing that for us, so we are trying something new. Well new to Kyle, I was raised in a little more free form environment when it came to religion. Oddly enough it was that upbringing that allowed me to join the LDS church in the first place. And I don't regret it for a minute. It gave me my husband and for that I will be eternally grateful. But after having children (a daughter in particular), I don't want to stay where I am not comfortable. So I hope I haven't offended and I know I have disappointed. I am sorry but this is what is right for us. Peace and love to you all!

My Girl's Night Out and St. Patty's Day...

2008-03-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

I have the best husband ever. Unbeknowst to me until the end of the night when Katie (my best freind since we were 12) told me, he had called her and asked her to please take me out for a Girl's Night. Evidently he felt I had been pretty cool during Ender's weekend here and that I deserved it. Truth be told, he always thinks I deserve it.

Anyway, so I went to a Rockstar Birthday party for one of Katie and Amanda's friends and then Katie took me out to dinner at Northwoods Inn. I don't think it gets much better.

This is the 3 of us heading into the party, looking good I think!

The birthday girl, Christine, Amanda, me and Katie. I think we look HOT!

So it was so much fun and so nice to get dressed up and stared at a bit. I even adventured into green eye shadow land, a new place for me. Thank you to Katie, Amanda and Kyle for my night out. Many more to come I hope.

And on another note, I made my Corned Beef, Cabbage and Potatos for St. Patty's Day and it wasn't as good as last year's. I tried a new brand and I was disappointed. Oh well. For the record, most people think I am mostly Italian, but in fact I am mostly Irish. I think overall it works out to about 1/2 Irish, 1/4 Italian and the rest my mom refers to as Euromutt. So there you have it. And no, I didn't do anything flashy for St. Patty's. No drunken brawls or green hair. Just a cute green shirt and yummy food!

Also, if you want to learn some interesting things about St. Patrick try looking up his history. He is responsible for the spread of Christianity and the downfall of Paganism throughout Ireland. I hate that part. But he did truly care about the Irish people and that's a good thing.

My baby boy...

2008-03-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

My son, Andrew, is getting so big. I can't freakin' believe it. He is 7 months old now and he just got his first hair cut. Such a grown up boy. Ugh and he is amazingly cute. We went simple will a military style buzz. I was shooting for a mohawk, but I think we'll have to wait until his hair has thickened up some. So I now have 2 baldies on my hands (See blog: Why do we do this as girls?). And tonight I am gonna cut Kyle's hair. He and Andy will look identical, and it will creep me out. But whatever.

This is pre haircut. You can see how much was on top and his wingy curls he was rockin' on the sides.

Here he is sportin' the new do. My little army lookin' baby. How cute is this face by the way?

Mama and Andy. I love this boy. He is such a good boy. Unless you are feeding him. Then he screams in your face.

Also St. Patrick's Day is coming and you know what that means! Corned Beef (the traditional meat of Irish-Americans), cabbage, and potatoes. Yummy, yummy! And as I am half Irish, I am very much looking forward to it. Slán agus beannacht leat!

Its "Guy Love"

2008-03-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

First go watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0
Then come read this blog.

Done? Good. Okay. So now you have a basis for my husband's relationship with his best friend, Ender. These two have known each other from about the age of 19 (they met on their missions). They have a connection that is bizarre yet lovable. They affectionately refer to each other as their husband. I know it weird but its not romantic at all, just this amazing bond that they have managed to form.

Here they are on their mission and yes, they are in fact legal adults.

These 2 pictures were taken after they got back from their mission and Ender came to live with Kyle's family in California (Ender being from Utah), they went on a road trip.

Another part of their unique bond. Here they are with Ender as "Frodo" and Kyle as "Sam". They were going to the midnight premiere of LOTR.

Ender and his wife (yes he is married too) moved to New York a couple of years ago. This was his visit last year. EAGLE!

And finally we come to this year's visit. I think they were happy to see each other...its so hard to tell.

Anyway, so this is the man I "share" my husband with. Oh there are others too. His other best friend, Tom lives in Temecula. I have to share a lot more with him. But Ender came from New York to visit and that's what makes it special. It was a sad day for me when Ender and Kim moved because I was curious who was going to keep Kyle busy when I needed him to leave me alone. But we are managing. So, Ender, I am glad you came to stay. It was ever so much fun. And I am glad you and Kyle continue to have a totally hetero, platonic love affair.

Why do we do this as girls?

2008-03-05T22:07:00.000-08:00

I was enjoying my dinner in the living room after spending all day cleaning, when I realized that Cadence wasn't in the room. I thought to myself, "She mentioned being tired, maybe she went to lay down and fell asleep." So I went in search of her. Not in her room, not in my room, not in the kitchen, where could she be? Then I noticed a light under the door to the bathroom. Assuming she was up to one of her favorite pasttimes of filling the toilet with TP, I opened the door to discover that my toilet was safe. However, my daughter's hair was not. I had left the haircutting shears on the sink. This is what she looked like prior to tonight:

And this is what she looks like now:

What am I going to do with this? How do I cover that while it grows out? I know I cut my own hair when I was little, but I was 5. She's 3. Anyone else been in this boat? She actually has a bald spot in front. Oh my goodness, what am I going to do with this child?

I thought she was 3....

2008-03-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

This is how things go if your 3 year old is way too smart. Anti (yes I know its spelled incorrectly, just go with me here) Lo told Cadence to let mommy go to the bathroom in peace. Instead of listening to her, Cadence raspberried at her. Well, Anti Lo put her in a time out. She argued (from the other room) with Anti Lo by yelling and crying. I came out of the bathroom to find all this and told Cadence to be quiet or I was going to come out there and smack her. She raspberried (still from the other room) at me and I yelled that I was coming to smack her. As I entered the other room, she covers her face with her hands and says "I didn't realize it was you!". After pushing down a chuckle, I lightly smacked her face and returned to the other room to tell my sister and mother what Cadence had said. Cadence evidently, had thought she was still arguing with Anti Lo. In discovering it was me, she realized the error of her ways.
The funniest thing was that she understood what "realize" meant. What 3 year-old gets that? Also, she has discovered the phrase "Are we there yet?". And her other new thing is to start every sentence with "I have a good idea and my idea should work." Where does she pick this stuff up? Kids.
Andrew was present for all of this and was as pleasant as ever. But geez, he needs to get some real words because his babbling is starting to drive me crazy.

Everyone should have a Laura...

2008-03-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

Laura is my sister, and by far one of the best in the whole world. We are home tonight without our children. My sister is keeping them overnight for us so we could hang out with our friends Tom and Cindy. My sister had the kids for us over the "Grandpa's Wedding Weekend". She helps out so much and takes such good care of her nieces and nephews.

Its not just that either. She really is one of my best friends. We talk about everything and are together a lot. She likes to jokes that we spend more time together now than we did when I was living at home. And its true.

I always liked my sister. We hardly ever fought, we goofed around, played games and stuff. We were even on the same softball team in high school (league ball). I would occasionally ask her to come along with us for nights out after I graduated because she was not your typical little sister. Very mature for her age, it was always like having a cool adult around. Someone to be the voice of reason, but also fun.

So it is my belief that everyone needs a Laura. She is the most kind, reliable, funny, and compassionate person I know. Thank you Lo for being you. I love you sis!

Cadence and the battle for control...

2008-02-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

So Cadence is 3. Why is that important you ask? Well, being 3 is a difficult thing. You are no longer 2 and not really a toddler any more. However, you are not 4 yet and not a kid either. You are stuck in this in between, limbo area that sucks. She is unbelievable headstrong and yet so sweet and kind. We have conquered bedtime (she actually asks to go to bed now, 10:00pm or eariler), her hair is tamer (not tame, but tamer) now that its longer, and she can sing almost any song she hears once (no exaggeration).

However, there is one area she insists on continuing the fight. Potty Training. This child will have one good day, then refuse to even go near the potty the next. The refusal will last a good 3-5 days, all the while I am explaining to her that we will not be returning to Disneyland until she is potty trained. That Elmo and Caillou are potty trained. All the big kids are potty trained and that until she is too, she will remain a little kid. These things bother her as you are saying them and then she is in the battle for control again. I've even taken to sitting her on the thing when she doesn't want to, but she gets scared and I don't want to create a complex.

So we chug along changing gross Pull-Ups and begging for potty use. I suppose she is the kind of kid who one day will wake up and say "I don't want to wear Pull-ups anymore. I want to wear the cute princess panties my mom let me pick out." And that will be it. She is that smart that I think there will be the "switch flip". I guess for now, we'll wait it out.

Ok, Update City: Pop. Me

2008-02-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

Alright here goes nothing.

Thursday night kick off our busy weekend with a Belated Valentine's Day Dinner at Red Lobster. Even though its Lobsterfest, Kyle and I got crab legs. YUMMY!

The Ultimate Fondue, and boy was it!

Just beautiful.

Eat away darling...

Ok, me too.

Beyond good was the food. We had a great time and it was nice to get away, just the two of us before the craziness began.

Which one of you am I gonna eat?

Its been 5 years since we met.

Friday was the rehersal and wedding party dinner for Grandpa Letterman's wedding. Kyle was the best man. He did a good job too.

They were glowing.

The Bride and Groom

Dinner after was at a place in Venice called Hal's. It was so nice. Food was delicious!

Awesome mosaic wall by Hal's

Loved this design

The table was beautiful

Chocolate Truffle Cake=Yum

I forgot to mention my favorite window in the church, it was gorgeous.

Anyway, we were out very late and thank goodness my sister had my kids. They spent the night with her.

The next day was the wedding. So much to get done. And I had to look fabulous! That mission was accomplished, so it was off to the wedding.

Kristi and Jason did the filming

A row of Foutz's

Mom giving her reading

The marriage ceremony

Married!

Danny, Mom, and Kellyann (Danny and Kelly are married)

Aunt Nancy, Anna and Ken

Kim, Isaac, Luis

Everyone milled around a little bit for pictures and then it was time to go the the reception. That was being held at the California Yacht Club there in Venice.

This tree outside the club was so cool.

They are 2 of my favorite boys (for very different reasons of course)

Inside the Yacht Club

Danny got put to work

Hello up there!

Aunt Nancy and Mom

Anna cake (See blog: And then there was Cheesecake)

One side of the room

Other side of the room

Centerpiece

The mantel

See the yachts?

We looked good!

Even the favours were gorgeous

The flower girl's bouquet

Since I myself was dancing and stuff, I didn't get pictures of any of it. But it was so much fun and everyone had a great time. Margaret (the new wifey) is wonderful and she was beautiful. Anyway, I hope to do a better job of keeping up here. Sorry it took so long!

Where the hell have you been?

2008-02-24T10:56:00.000-08:00

Some might ask me that question. But I want everyone to know we have had (and are continuing to have) a hectic weekend. I'll give you a short rundown then I'm out cause I gotta clean up for the party we're having. But I will post more info and pictures later.
Thursday~Belated Valentine's date with my husband, Red Lobster rocks!
Friday~Rehersal for Grandpa's wedding (Kyle was the best man), yummy dinner at swanky resteraunt in Santa Monica after.
Saturday~WEDDING! Beautiful Catholic Church in Venice, then reception at the California Yacht Club that was gorgoeous! Good food, awesome cake (thanks to Anna!) and even better people.
Sunday (today)~ We are having a giant party so Kyle's aunt who was in town for the wedding can meet all the grandkids (this weekend's festivities were sans kids, it was nice actually). SHould be fun. Giant slide here we come!

Our Arizona/Laughlin Trip

2008-02-19T20:52:00.000-08:00

So we ventured out to Bullhead City, Az/ Laughlin, NV to visit my sister-in-law Kristi and her awesome boyfriend, Jason. They are some of our favorite people (as are all of the Foutz's). Jason's family owns so much of Bullhead its not even funny. Anyway, it was a blast and I will tell you all about it here.
The night we arrived, we met up in Laughlin, NV (a stone's throw from Bullhead). We would be dining at the Captain's Buffet at the Colorado Belle. The Colorado Belle is one of the cooler casino/hotels there on the Colorado River. It is designed after a giant river boat. Did I get a picture of this? No. One of many I did not get, dorky me.
The Captain's Buffet however was DELICIOUS! It was a seafood buffet, which noramlly I wouldn't go for except that they had crab legs. The best crab legs ever. I love crab! I have for awhile now, but this was by far the best crab I have ever had. Yummy, I must have eaten 2-3 lbs by myself.
After that it was back to Kristi and Jason's place to settle in for the night. We hung out and talked, watch the kids play, and just chilled, it was nice.

Andrew chilling on the cool area rug.

Kristi being super cool.

Pictures of Cadence and Daddy outside eating breakfast.

Kristi chilling out.

The next day was more hanging out, then miniature golf where I lost and Cadence had fun traversing the course, and then out to dinner at this Mexican place called Iguana's.

Just walking around and mini golfing.

Will someone please let her out?

More golfing and walking.

Andrew was there I promise.

It was a lot of fun and Cadence loved climbing all over the course.

Oh my gosh was it good! I had a combo plate that consisted of a beef enchilada, a pork tamale, and a chicken flauta (Kristi being a vegetarian commented that I had many dead animals on my plate, right as she was, they were delicious!)
After dinner we did some video game playing (Mario Party 8 for the Wii), in which we all got our butts handed to us by Kristi. Not sure how or when she got so good at that game.
The third day was our park excursion. The park is adjacent to the river, so we let the kids play and swing (Andrew's first time on the swings) then headed off to eat by the river. It was beautiful. Cold and windy, but gorgeous. The river was lined with Seagulls and Cadence proclaimed that she "wanted to kill the birds". When asked what she thought "to kill" meant she replied that it was to kick. So in the case of the birds, she was spot on. Kicking them would kill them. So while funny, it was also a little concerning. But since she's 3, I'll hold off on a verdict of creepy or not for now.

Andrew first time on the swing, such a big boy!

Everybody swinging, well everyone but me and Kyle. (Someone had to push)

Jason looking like an album cover.

They are all so cool. I'm the dork with the camara.

The afternoon was spent working on my hair. When I say afternoon, I mean the whole afternoon. My hair takes forever to cut and color because I have a ton of it. Kristi refers to them as our "Marathon Haircuts" Afterwards with my hair shorter and blacker (yay!) we went to Buffalo Wild Wings which is like 2 minutes from their house. Yummy, yummy, yummy! Honey BBQ boneless wings are my favorite. And then, more Mario Party in which Kristi again kicked our behinds. Ay yi yi.

Kyle and me with my new hair, isn't it cute?

Did I mention Cadence fell asleep during our Buffalo Wild Wings trip?

Our last day was very kick back and we went to visit Jason at work. It's a very nice office and we got to say hi to his mom. From there we went out to the undeveloped property that Jason's parents own to survey some other properties. Trust me, it all made sense while we were there. And it was beautiful. Awesome views of the river and the mountains, and then the casinos. All very cool.
Taco Bell was our last stop before we hit the road for our long drive home. The drive out there wasn't bad, but the drive home found us coming back in traffic ov er the Cajon Pass on the 15. Sucky!
Overall the trip was so much fun and we had a blast. I can't wait to go visit again when they have built the house. Should be very cool. Love you Kristi and Jason, thanks for having us!

Arizona was awesome...

2008-02-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Ok so we just got back from Arizona. Tomorrow I am going to load my picture and write a long blog about it. For now, just be happy with the knowledge that we made it home safely.

Procrastination...

2008-02-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

It is 11:04pm the night before we leave for Bullhead, AZ to visit Kyle's sister and her boyfriend and I am making our packing list now. Meaning I haven't started packing. Why do I insist on procrastinating like this every time? I always mean to be more thought out and every time I fail. Oh well. It will all get done tonight and we will leave tomorrow, but I just wish I had had it done sooner. I guess some day I will get it together, until then....

So much for the weekend.

2008-02-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend was spent being and taking care of sick people. I would go from freezing, shivering, think it was beyond cold; to hot and sweaty wishing someone would turn on a fan.
That wasn't the worst of it. The worst was Sunday night when on our way back from my parent's house both kids started puking in their car seats. Yuck! So we carted both of them in and cleaned them off (I think Cadence got 3 baths that night) and set ourselves up for a night of gross. And it delivered. Neither kid was truly asleep until 4:30am, and Kyle and I finally got some sleep. He skipped work on Monday 1. out of sheer exhaustion and 2. out of kindness to me since I still wasn't feeling well.
However, he did have to go to school and I had the kids then. Lucky for me I was at my parent's house and my sister (who is awesome by the way) was there to help. Both kids were just so tired from the day's endevours though that Cadence fell asleep on the floor and Andrew feel asleep in his bouncer.

It was so adorable. And the good news is that the puking is done. Whew! we survived, now to do laundry...

All caught up...

2008-02-10T00:38:00.001-08:00

I wasn't going to go too far back. If your that interested, go read my other blog. But from now on I'll post here too.
P.S. Just do a search for Donna Foutz on MySpace and you can read it.

The end of something that once was good~Feb.9th

2008-02-10T00:36:00.002-08:00

There are friends in life that seem as if they will always be there. You trust them implictily and know that they will always treat you with kindness and compassion, never with judgment or hostility. You can tell them anything and you truly enjoy their presence in your world. Then the unthinkable happens. They betray everything you ever thought or felt about them.

You come to realize that your friendship was conditional and since you've strayed from those conditions (ones you weren't aware of to begin with) you are no longer acceptable by their standards.

I recently lost some friends because of a decision Kyle and I made about the way we live our life. It seems silly since this particular thing has nothing to do with these supposed friends. I understand the feelings they are having, but I don't understand the need to toss us aside as if we are trash. But this act only brought forth their real value in my life, so good riddance!

I'll keep my real friends close at hand and Kyle and I will continue along our path in life since it is suiting us quite well and we have never been happier. I do wish them (although they don't have MySpace and won't read this) the best and good luck in life. I hope they only have happiness and love to look forward to. C'est la vie I guess!

I need to blog more often~Jan.24th

2008-02-10T00:36:00.001-08:00

I sit here currently listening to the sounds of my six month old (as of today!), Andrew blabbling away in his bouncy thing (think Johnny Jumper but with a stand instead of a doorway), Jewel singing away on my hubby's XBox 360 (which he put on for me without me asking), and Cadence yelling in delight at her bath that is being overseen by her daddy so I can have a moment of peace. The calm is settling over the house and soon both kids will be alseep and Kyle and I will have a moment alone before one or both of us succumbs to the Sandman's spell. And what will we do? Most likely nothing. Talk about our day, how things went overnight since I stayed at my parent's house, the kids and their development, and maybe have some sinful midnight snack.

My point you ask? I am so happy. My life (for the most part) is pretty peaceful on the homefront. Sure there is turmoil once I include the extended family, but I try not to once we are home for the night. Are there things I need to improve on? Absolutely. I really need to be a better housekeeper and stay up on the laundry. I need to expand my recipe repetoire so I can make more than (awesome) italian food, random chicken dishes, and the occasional steak. I need to lose about 100 pounds for sure! But overall, I am an unbelievably happy person with an awesome life.

Cadence continues to amaze every single day. She can sing a ton of songs, including most Disney ones. She is learning the sounds of her letters and how to sound out words. She is not reading, goodness sakes the girl is only 3, but she is loving the idea. She is still causing trouble on the potty training front, but we are slowly making headway. She grows more and more like me personality wise by the minute. Seeing yourself reflected in a 3 foot tall blond person is creepy by the way. But she is gorgeous and smart and super, super headstrong, boy are we in for it when she turns 13.

Andrew is the happiest baby you ever met. And I really mean that. The boy is always smiling, and I swear that smile could cure any ailment. He has an awesome giggle and a yummy belly for munching on. The most kissable cheeks too. Ah! That boy is just down right delicious! He rolls all over the floor and really wants to crawl. He is getting the hang of sitting up on his own and holding his bottle (one of my favorite milestones!) and I couldn't be more excited about his growing up to drive his sister crazy. It should be a wild ride.

Kyle and I are more in sync than ever. We are crossing so many bridges and trying so many new things together. We couldn't be happier or more in love. ( I know, I know. Sorry to get all mushy) I have no idea what the future holds, but I am overjoyed to get to experience it with him. At some point here we really want to get matching tattoos of the Claddaugh because it has so much wonderful symbolism that we feel so connected to. Maybe one day...

Also, I think I am going to take the leap and get my eyebrow pierced! What do you all think?

And then there was Cheesecake~Dec.10th

2008-02-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

OK, so I have an awesome Sister-in-law. Technically she is not MY sister-in-law, she is married to my brother-in-law. Anyway, her name is Anna and she is married to my husband's brother, Ken. The point of all this explaination is simple: Anna makes cake. Not just any cake though. No, this is "Anna Cake". Anna makes all the wedding cakes for the family, occasionally she will be commissioned outside the family as well. She also makes birthday cakes, anniversary cakes, you name it.

The name "Anna Cake" was christened by my father. After my wedding he proclaimed it to be some of the best cake he'd ever had. Ever since then whenever I bring over a hunk from some form of gathering, he quickly claims it for his own and then doles it out as he sees fit. My brother has lost "Anna Cake" privelidges. He took a bite and said that the cake was ok cake, and that was it for my dad. One must appreciate the "Anna Cake" in order to have any.

So, the other night I was explaining to my parents and sister a how Kyle and I had run into a woman who's daughter was getting married and Anna was making the cake. I was coming to a point where I was about to explain who the woman was when I mentioned that some of the cake was going to be cheesecake. That's when my sister stopped me. "Wait, go back to the important part of the story. The part where you said Anna makes cheesecake." I told my sister that this was new information to me and that I had just found out at Thanksgiving that Anna makes cheesecake. My sister's response? "And you didn't mention this to me? We are making a call to Anna right now. I need some of her cheesecake."

The thing about my sister is that she has one great love in her life (at least for the time being). This love is named Cheesecake. I can't blame her, for some time in my early adulthood the only love I would claim was Cheesecake's distant cousin named Chocolate Cake. So I understand completely.

So for these two perfections to merge and me to not immediatly inform my sister was a great betrayal. For this I am sorry. But it will be rectified soon. I came home tonight to a big hunk of "Anna Cheesecake" and boy is it delicious! I will be taking some to my sister tomorrow and she may now rest easy having indulged in Anna's cheesecake.

Our Anniversary on December 24th...

2008-02-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

So four years ago today I married my husband. Yes, we got married on Christmas Eve. It was raining and we were getting wet on the way into the building. It was a good thing I didn't wear my dress there. We had a simple ceremony in our ward building with the intentions of being Sealed in the Temple at a later date. It was amazing. A 10 minute ceremony changed my life forever.

I'm so grateful that he wanted me. I know I'm special, but everyone thinks that about themselves. It was nice to have a confirmation from the man I loved.

Sure we've had our ups and downs since then. And 2 kids and 2 surgeries later and I am definatly NOT the woman he married. But I am the woman he is staying married too (what's left of me anyway). He is not at all like he was when we got married. He is so much better. He has grown in ways I could have never imagined. And I am so glad. I am happy. I love my chaotic life. My wonderful husband has given me 2 of the most intelligent, beautiful, and spirited children you'll ever meet. I know that my life will overflow with happiness. I know there will be pain too, I am not naive about that. But together we have a way of making it through the hardest times and I know that that is what will win the day.

Then:

Now:

This one is from Christmas...

2008-02-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

My daughter LOVES Christmas lights. They are her favorite thing (for the time being) about Christmas. Lucky for us there is a street nearby that all the homeowners participate in "lighting up". So Sunday night we decided to go for a walk to see said lights and Cadence had herself a blast. Here are a few of our favorites:

This one was particularly good with the Nativity Scene

This one is really impressive because the guy makes all of these wooden figures(?) and hand paints them. Cadence of course loved Cinderella.

These are cool shots of the trees. They made this really cool tunnel effect that I loved.

A couple of cool shots of us. Yes, Andrew fell asleep and didn't give a rats you-know-what about our little activity.

Ok then, there is this and I need all your help on this one. First look at this picture and see if you can identify my "what the heck?" thing:

Ok now if you were paying any attention to the photo at all, you would have noticed that there is an angel, a star, a snowflake, a polar bear and then this:

Yes people. That is a "Christmas Frog". Can anyone, anywhere help me to figure out why these people have a Christmas Frog on their lawn. I really don't get it. Is there a story I am missing? Please let me know.

Overall though it was a blast. Yay for Christmas!

Moving over from MySpace

2008-02-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

I am gonna move a lot of my old blogs over from MySpace. So they are all gonna be dated today, but I will put the original post date on them.

Rocked to the core.

2007-10-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that when you think about "if that ever happens to me, I'll..." whatever. Well, I've had one of those moments. I'm not going to get into details, that's between me and this person. But I will say that I am not at all feeling the way I thought I would. I feel hurt and betrayed, angry and vengeful, guilty and sad all at the same time. I also feel loved, trusted, and hopeful. This person and I will have back what once was ours. It will take time and patience (on both our parts)and a willingness to work hard.
But I know that losing something can make finding it again all the more valuable. We'll be stronger and more in tune after we get through this. While it hurts now, someday I'll look back at this time see what I learned and how I, we grew.
You know who you are and I love you with all my heart. Know that I am committed to fixing what is right now, broken. Also know that I appreciate your honesty and trust you completely. Only time will tell how strong we will grow.

Me Mathematically...

2007-09-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

I really wanted a way to show that I am more than just a wife and mother. I sometimes catch flack for being a "young, married, mother". Its beyond me that people (when I say people, I mean strangers) care about what I am doing with my life. But evidently since I am 25 (on the verge of 26) and chose to start a family rather than continue education, I am considered a "failure". I beg to differ.I spend my days shaping and molding 2 human beings, what are you doing with your time? And that doesn't even include keeping tabs on my husband ( I love you baby). I am making sure that 2 children grow up to be responsible, loving, strong adults. On top of constantly trying to better and grow myself.

There is so much more to me than being a wife and mother, more than what I put on my stupid chart even. But why does that concern you? And why does being a wife and a mother mean that I am not a valid human being? Yes, I have opinions on issues. Issues like: gay marriage, abortion, prayer in school, who our next president should be, love, sex, inter-personal communication, race relations, parenting, drugs, abuse, war...etc. The list goes on and on. I didn't stop being an individual when I got married and I didn't stop being me when my children came into the world. In fact, I think it sharpened and stregthened who I am.My family does not define who I am but rather reflect it. And so far, I like what I see and that means the world to me. Sure, we have our faults and we work together and separatly on them. We will never be perfect, but can damn sure try. We won't even get close, but my definition of perfection is merely to live life as lovingly and compassionately as possible while still being a fighter with some gusto. And if you'd like to see those 2 things all rolled up together in their purest forms, I'll introduce you to my 2 1/2 year-old daughter. That's a girl with gusto.